THEIR HUMOROUS SIDE

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<s

I)' The

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^^/ (oLLECTED AND ARRANGED BY

HENRY FREDERIC REDDALL

Associate editor of " The People's Cyclopcedia," and

author of "Room at the Top," etc.

O ' TdNNY

ILLMSTRATEB

Side of

BOSTON

RAND AVERY COMPANY, Publishers

1888

Politics

Copyright, 1888, bt Martin Garrison & Co.

RAND A V E I{ Y (' 0 M P A N Y,

2Tljc jfranMfn $resB,

HUSTON.

rpHE SAD FATE OF TEN LITTLE CANDIDATES.

Ten little candidates sitting

in a line, — One was licked and went

abroad, aDd then there were

but nine.

Nine little candidates tamper- ing with Fate, —

One talked himself to death, and then there were but eight.

Eight little candidates, each beloved of Heaven, —

One waved the blood}' shirt, and then there were but seven.

Seven little candidates up to

silly tricks, — One made blackguard

speeches, leaving then but

six.

Tins Ten Little Candidates.

Five little candidates brag- ging 'bout the war, —

One had a bit of common- sense, and so there were but four.

Four little candidates up a

Tariff tree, — One sprained his intellect,

leaving then but three.

Three little candidates, — one of them, Depew, —

Owned a paying railroad, so there were but two.

Two little candidates, anxious

both to run, — ■ One knifed the other, and

then there was but one.

Six little candidates managed to survive,

Till one became a cake of ice, and then there were but five.

One little candidate by his party picked.

Came before the country, but was very badly licked.

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Scissors; or, Stye puppy 5'^ °f Polities.

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DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD.

A distinguished member of the North Carolina Legislature told me that he happened to enter a Tennessee village in the evening of the last day of the Presidential election of 1828. He found the whole male population out hunting, the objects of the chase being two of their fellow-citizens. He inquired by what crime these men had rendered themselves so obnoxious to their neighbors, and was informed that they had voted against Gen. Jackson. The village, it appeared, had set its heart upon sending up a unanimous vote for the General, and these two voters had frustrated its desire. As the day wore on, the whiskey flowed more and more freely ; and the result was a universal chase after the two voters, with a view to tarring and feathering them. They fled to the woods, however, and were not taken. — Parton.

A;

N EARLY VIEW OF LINCOLN.

Gen. Robert E. Schenck and Donn Piatt had been selected to canvass Southern Illinois in behalf of free soil and Abraham Lincoln. " That part of Illinois," says the latter, " was then known as Egypt ; and in our missionary labors we learned there that the American eagle some- times lays rotten eggs. Our labors on the stump were closed in the wigwam at Springfield a few nights previous to the election. Mr. Lin- coln was present, and listened with intense interest to Mr. Schenck's

-\su mu. ih .., little !;<,•.-, urn Bonn, clahbbubd oveh tuosk i.k.

able argument. I followed in a cheerful review of the situation, that seemed to amuse the crowd, and none more so than our candidate for the Presidency. We were both invited to return to Springfield for the jubilee, should success make such rejoicing proper. We did return, for this homely son of toil was elected, and we found Springfield drunk with delight. On the day of our arrival we were invited to a supper at the house of the President-elect. It was a plain, comfortable frame structure ;• and the supper was an old-fashioned mess of indigestion, composed mainly of cake, pies, and chickens, — the last evidently killed in the morning, to be eaten, as best they might, that evening.

"After the supper, we sat far into the night talking over the situation. Mr. Lincoln was the homeliest man I ever saw. His body seemed to me a huge skeleton in clothes. Tall as he was, his hands and feet looked out of proportion, so long and clumsy were they. Every movement was awkward in the extreme. He sat with one leg thrown over the other, and the pendent foot swung almost to the floor. And all the while two little boys, his sons, clambered over those legs, patted his cheeks, pulled his nose, and poked their fingers in his eyes, without causing reprimand or even notice. lie had a face that defied artistic skill to soften or idealize. The multiplicity of photographs and engrav- ings makes it familiar to the public. It was capable of few expressions, but those were extremely striking. When in repose, his face was dull, heavy, and repellant. It brightened like a lit lantern when animated. His dull eyes would fairly sparkle with fun, or express as kindly a look as I ever saw when moved by some matter of human interest.

" I soon discovered that this strange and strangely gifted man. while not at all cynical, was a sceptic. His view of human nature was low, lint good-natured. I could not call it suspicious, but he believed only what he saw. This low estimate of humanity blinded him to the South, lie could not understand that men would get up in their wrath and light for an idea. He considered the movement South as a sort of political game of bluff, gotten up by politicians, and meant solely to frighten the North. He believed that, when the leaders saw their efforts in that direction were unavailing, the tumult would subside. ' They won't give

10

up the offices,' I remember he said, and added, ' AVere it believed that vacant places could be had at the North Pole, the road there would be lined with dead Virginians.' " — Donn Piatt.

A

PESTILENTIAL ADMINISTRATION.

Major Haskixs was postmaster of a retired village in Ohio. He was a stanch Democrat, and withal a bit of a wag. But the Free Soil and Fremont sentiment had swept over the community, so that he was almost the only man left in the region who remained true to the adminis- tration. -As he found it quite impossible to breast the current, he thought it best, as the man said of his note, and the boy said of the molasses, to "let it run," while he lay low and waited for better times. One day a knot of village politicians were discussing the questions of the day in his office. Capt. Johnson was a noisy fellow, and not noted for a knowledge of his mother- tongue, though he made use of the longest words he could get hold of, often without much regard to their meaning. He was blazing out against the measures of government, and wound up by declaring that the existing administration was most pestilential.

" What's that?" demanded the postmaster. "What did you call it?"

" I said the administration -was pestilential."

" Don't say that again, sir ; don't use that word pestilential. Take some other word, or I'll " — Here he doubled his fist, and made a feint to assail the Captain.

"I meant to say," stammered the frightened man, "that this is a rascally administration."

"Oh, very well, you may say that as much as you please," replied the mollified postmaster; "but you sha'n't call it by that other name when I am present."

•We UK i

believed that vacant places could be Road tiibhk would he linkd with Db

had at Tin: North Pi ah Virginians."

11

OTEPHESS'S WIT.

Alexander H. Stephens was rather fond of detailing, in a friendly way. the many peculiarities of his colleagues in public life. In a long and very entertaining letter written to his brother during those early days, he has much to say of the members and Senators who were promi- nent during the olden time. The following extract from that letter graphically portrays a scene in the old Senate : —

'•Millard Fillmore occupies the conspicuous seat erected for the second officer of the government. ... His countenance is open and bland, his chest full ; his eye is bright, blue, and intelligent ; his hair thick and slightly gray. His personal appearance is striking, and no one can look at him without feeling conscious that he is a man far above the average. On his right, near the aisle leading to the front door, sits Cass, with his arms folded in his lap, as if to hold up his protruding and superincumbent abdomen ; his sleepy-looking eyes occasionally glancing at the galleries, and then at the crowd pressing in below. Benton sits in his well-known place, leaning back in his chair, and giving all who desire it a full view of his person. One vacant seat is seen not far off on the same side of the House. A vacant seat in such a crowd excites the attention of all. 'Whose seat is that?' goes in whispers around. 'It is Calhoun's ; not well enough to be out yet.' — ' Who is that sitting by Cass? ' says one. ' That is Buchanan ; come all the way from home to hear Clay.' — ' What thin-visaged man is that standing over yonder, and constantly moving? ' — ' What, that old skeleton of a man yonder? ' _'Yes.' — 'That is Ritchie of "The Union." ' — ' Who is that walking down the aisle with that uncouth coat, and all that hair about his chin"? Did you ever see such a swaggerer ! He can't be a Senator.' — ' That is Sam Houston.' — ' But where is Webster? I don't see him.' — ' He is in the Supreme Court, where he has a case to argue to-day.' See Corwin and Badger and Berrien and Dawson, all near Clay ; all of them quiet, while Clay pursues his writing. On the opposite side, F'.utler and Foote and Clemens and Douglas. . . . Alter the passing

'I'm; Im:.m i.ioji.N.

of the motion of Mr. Mangum to proceed to the consideration of the order of the day, Mr. Clay folds his papers, and puts them in his desk, and, after the business is announced, rises gracefully and majestically. Instantaneously there is a general applause, which Mr. Clay seems not to notice. The noise within is heard without, and the great crowd raised such a shout that Mr. Clay had to pause until the officers went out and cleared all the entrances ; and then he began. He spoke on that day two hours and fifteen minutes. The speech was reported in ; The Globe ' word for word as he uttered it. I never saw such a report before. His voice was good, his enunciation clear and distinct, his action firm, his strength far surpassing my expectation. He had the riveted gaze of the multitude the whole time. When he coueluded, an immense throng of friends, both men and women, came up to congratulate and to kiss him."

"We never have such scenes in the Senate now," I one day said to Mr. Stephens, in commenting upon this description of Clay's triumph.

"No," he replied, laughing good-humoredly, "it is no longer the fashion to kiss Senators after their great speeches — at least, not in public." — Howard Can-oil.

rpiIE DEMIJOHN.

Who has not heard of Tom Marshall's wit? I remember being present once when he was making a political speech iu the open air from a platform. A fellow, quite tipsy, elbowed his way to the front of the platform below, looked up, and with thickened utterance said to the speaker, —

"I knowsh oo, Tom Marshall; you're nothin' but a dema- gogue."

"That may be," said Marshall. "Put a wisp of straw around your neck, and you'd be a demijohn."

13

A

SPOON STORY.

Some years ago, when Gov. Morehead graced the executive chair of the old North State, a ferocious onslaught was made against his administration by the party in opposition, which had a majority in the Legislature. A committee was appointed by that body to examine the expenditures of his Excellency in the executive mansion, which was called ••the palace." Mr. Brogden, then State Controller, was chairman of that committee, since celebrated as the "Spoon Committee." The majority of this committee and its chairman were politically opposed to the governor, and went into the scrutiny con a/more, hoping to find something rich out of which capital might be made for the coming can- vass. After visiting the palace, and peeping about among its furniture and fixings generally, this grave body met to make their report upon the awful waste and extravagance which his Excellency had shown in building an ice-house, and repairing his stables, and in divers naughty east-room embellishments, when it occurred to the chairman — a simple- hearted but not very polished citizen — ■ that the committee had neglected a very important part of their duty, inasmuch as they had not counted the spoons, and verified the number as charged in the governor's bills. Ben Pope, a member of the committee, and a gentleman of infinite humor, exclaimed with much mock indignation against an investigation that implied that a governor of North Carolina might steal sprjons. ••But, Brogden." said he, "if you wish to count the spoons, go and do it. / shall not go, and I am sure the other members of the commit- tee will be ashamed to accompany you in such a pitiful service. You will go alone — and — and, Brogden, who is to count them after ;/onf "

Several gentlemen were dining that day with the witty and very

accomplished. Mrs.. T , and the spoon story was told and enjoyed

with great glee by all at the table, — all but G M , whose only

failing is similar to that which afiliets Judge Billings. He is slow at taking a joke, and understands one only when he has had time to turn it over and examine it in all its bearings. But, unlike the Judge, when

1 YOU WILL uo ALONE — AND — AND, UltoUOLN, WHO IS TO COUNT TUE1I Ai'TEli \UU?'

11

he once gets hold of it, he never lets it slip. It works him all over ; and his enjoyment is intense and intensely explosive. On this occasion, long after the uproarious mirth had subsided, and other and more quiet themes were under discussion with the dinner, the sober-sided George incontinently burst out into a terrific fit of laughter, such as none but he can perpetrate, for he has a voice like young thunder, and old Stentor was a baby to George in a vocal way.

"Good!" exclaimed he. "Good! Glorious! I see it ! "

■• See what? " asked Mrs. T .

'• Oh. that joke upon Brogden and the spoons. Glorious ! Capital ! Capital!"

'■ There was no danger of losing the spoons," said the lady, laugh- ing. " if Brogden was as slow at taking them as Mr. M — ; — is at taking a joke."

The feast went on, but G M could not get over the spoon

joke ; and semi-oceasionally, if not oftener, during that dinner, he thundered out his appreciation of Ben Pope's fun. He could not help it. Brogden and the spoons, the spoons and Brogden, were ringing in his ears, and he must let out. And even now, though years have passed, the demure and quiet woods of old Guilford are sometimes waked up by some very mirthful and un-Quakerly sounds whenever the memory of that scene comes over his mind.

A-

BRIGHT CONDUCTOR.

Pkeachino politics has become so common in these days, that the following brief conversation has a pretty sharp point to it : —

Passexgei; : "Well, Mr. Conductor, what news in the political world?"

Conductor: "Don't know, sir: J haven't been t,o church for the last two Sundays."

l'lIEACIIINU TOLITICS.

15

special sympathy for the masses, or the rights of man. I have pretty good reason to believe that his natural disposition was dictatorial, — despotic. It is related that one day he came into the field where his men were haying. A thunder-storm was approaching, and he com- manded the laborers in a tone of authority to do this and that ; thus requiring, in fact, what was impossible. Jaklin, an old negro noted for his dry wit, being present, said in an undertone, —

" I'm thankful the Lord reigns." , "Why so? " said a bystander.

"Because," was the reply, " if the Lord didn't reign, the Gineral would! "— W. II. Milburn.

If I were to be asked what made Gen. King a Democrat, I should be at a loss to answer. He was fond of authority : his whole presence and manner bespoke it. His carriage was erect, his head set back, his chest protruded. His hair was stiff and bristling, and, being long on the top, was combed back in the manner of Gen. Jackson's. Like him he had a decidedly military air and character. He was, no doubt, a very good man on the whole ; but I imagine he was not imbued with any

IKE'S JOKES.

The eccentric, able, honest, and cynical Mike Walsh was at one time a member of the House of Representatives from New York. Mike was the perpetrator of many practical jokes, which furnished subjects for Washington gossip. A fellow-member of the House, whose private vocation was that of a hotel-keeper, rose to make his elaborately pre- pared maiden speech. As he proceeded, Mike, whose seat was distant from his, would at every pause call out in his deep bass voice, loud enough to be heard by those in his immediate neighborhood, but not so loud as to reach the orator's ear, "John, a pitcher of ice- water to No. 122;" "William, answer the bell of No. 130," etc. Upon the same fellow-member he played the rather rough joke of sending him an invita- tion, in the name of the President, to dine at the Executive Mansion. That there might lie no occasion for an answer, the invitation was only delivered an hour before the appointed time for dinner. The victim, suspecting nothing, arrayed himself in evening dress, and started for the White House, lie was closely followed by Mike, and half a dozen of his cronies whom he had let into the secret, for the purpose of

1G

witnessing the discomfiture of the unexpected guest. As the President had happened to go to Baltimore that very afternoon, this discomfiture was complete. Whether the then somewhat unsophisticated sufferer ever discovered, or not, who had played this "heathen Chinee " trick upon him, I am not aware. — Maunsell B. Field.

A

NORTH CAROLINA EPISODE.

"When I was on my fishing-trip down in South-east Missouri a short time ago." says a well-known correspondent, "I met old Simon Madole, the man who had the historic duel with Gov. Clingmau of North Carolina, that there was so much lying about in the ' fifties.' It is hopeless to try to give Madole's fine old Tennessee dialect ; but, as near as I can put it, he tells the story thus : —

" ' You see, I went down there into that French Broad kentry ; and this man Clingman, Guv'ner Clingmau he was then, kem along and made a perlitical speech which was all full of foolery and dodgasted nonsense : and along about the middle of it I up and pintedly guv him the lie. Well, he sent his challenge to me, and I passed the word back that I'd fight him with swords, mounted. Now, I had a ole ox brute that I had trained to the saddle, and he was visouser than a trousers-leg full of rattlesnakes when I put the cinch to him ; and he specially objected to anybody tootin' a horn when ridin' him. I had besides a kiverlet — a bed kiverlet, you know — in which was all colors of the rainbow, although red and blue predominated.

" ' I put the kiverlet on the ox brute, cinched on the saddle so that his eyes bulged out. I got me an old rusty sabre that my grandfather lit into Revolution with, tied on a cow-horn, and started for the field of combat. Guv'ner Clingman was there on a fine thoroughbred mare, with a three-cornered rapier in his hand, evidently thirstin' for my blood.

" 'As trie and the ox brute hove in sight, there was what these here

newspaper fellers call a sensation. Guv'ner Clingman declared he wouldn't fight no sich a outfit ; but I took one loud toot on the cow-horn, and charged.

"'Wall, sir, his thoroughbred kind of jerked and shivered, and stared as though she didn't know whether she was asleep or only dreamin' ; while the kiverlet was a-flutterin' in the wind, and the ox brute was a-snortin', and a-pawiu', and a-makin' for her, end on.

" ' The guv'ner was yellin' for me to stop ; but I jes' tooted away on the horn, and let the ox brute go. The mare waited 'twell we got about ten yards off, and then she put out due east as hard as she could lick ; and you can believe me or not, but she never even switched her tail 'twell she crossed the Calina line. There's been lots of lying about the Clingman duel ; but that's the truth of it. the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.' "

A Nohtu Carolina Episode.

17

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MORE LIES WANTED.

Xo 3iore Lies wanted.

"There is," says a recent writer, "an amusing anecdote concern- ing Abram Mason and his brother John. I know all the parties except Mr. Brent, who is said to have been the competitor of Joseph Lewis for Congress in 1812. This is not so. I was in the court-house in London in April, 1812, while the election was progressing: his opponent was Mr. John Love of Prince William. It was not long after Mr. Jefferson became President that Mr. Brent appeared in the field against Lewis. Mr. Brent's political life was ended in 1811, because, as a Senator from Virginia, he voted for the renewal of the charter of the old Bank of the United States, in defiance of the instructions of the Legislature of his State.

"Lewis told me, many years after the event, that an immense crowd convened on the sabbath before the election in the German settlement to witness the contest between Brent and himself. After the services were ended, Brent arose, and with all the powers of a rich and gorgeous eloquence depicted in glowing terms the enchanting beauties of Republic- anism, the rising glories of our country under the prosperous administra- tion of Mr. Jefferson ; that our commerce whitened every sea, and our yeomen, mechanics, merchants, and professional men were all enjoying the smiles of fortune, and growing wealthy, under the benign influence of equal and constitutional laws.

" Some of the friends of Lewis (who had come there expressly to prevent his being crushed by the superior power of Brent) were alarmed for his safety. Not so with Lewis, who was a plain and poorly educated man, read no books, scarcely ever spoke in Congress, but who was gifted with a strong, clear, powerful intellect, and, above all, an intimate, pro- found knowledge of human nature ; his temper perfectly unruffled in every position ; calm and self-possessed in difficulty and danger.

" He arose and said, —

" ' Old friends and neighbors, you all know me. I cannot compete with my opponent in speaking, but can tell the truth. He depends ou

Mr. Jefferson's good fortunes. Now, suppose one of you farmers cut down and clear a piece of woods, grub up the stumps, plough and sow; the soil, and another man at harvest comes in and reaps the grain. Which of these persons deserves most credit ? '

" ' Why, to be sure, he who sowed the grain,' said the whole Dutch congregation in one universal chorus.

" ' Well, just so with Mr. Jefferson. Washington cleared the field ; Jefferson slips in, and gets all the credit.'

•• The work was done. Mr. Brent's fine speech was torn into atoms. He tried to answer ; but the entire assembly rose in a body, and refused to listen. ' We want to hear no more lies,' ran through the church. Lewis was elected, and continued in the House of Representatives until 1817, when Mercer was elected in opposition to Gen. Mason."

s

TANTON AND LINCOLN.

" Secretary Stanton," says Donn Piatt, " was wont to pass some time, almost daily, at our room in the hotel, where, in the society of my dear wife, he seemed to relax from the sombre reserve of busy life. It was a relaxation quite removed from the kindly impulsive nature of early youth. There was the same sense of humor ; but it was cynical, and stung as well as amused. Some days before he entered upon his new- duties, I asked him, in the privacy of our room, if the strange report was true.

" ' Yes,' he responded : ' I am going to be Secretary of War to Old Abe.'

" ' What will you do? ' I asked, meaning as to how he could recon- cile his contempt for the President, and their widely dissimilar views, with his service under him. His reply ignored my meaning.

"'Do?' he said. 'I intend to accomplish three things, — I will make Abe Lincoln President of the United States ; I will force this man McClellan to fight or throw up ; and, last but not least, I will pick Lorenzo Thomas up with a pair of tongs, and drop him from the nearest window.'

" Strange as it is, this last and apparently easiest task was the one he did not accomplish. Lorenzo defied him, aud, as Sumner wrote Stanton, ' stuck ' to the last."

" I WILL PICK LOIUSNJSO TuoMAS UP WITH A PaIB OF TON

Tilt; Nkakkst Window."

.;S, AND DKOP HIJ1 FKOM

19

N

EUTBAL ANIMALS.

One Saturday afternoon in July, 1861, George H. Boker, some time American Minister to Constantinople, visited Washington, and called with me upon President Lincoln. It was a most interesting period of the war, just previous to the battle of Bull Run. When I presented Boker to the President, he asked, " Are you the son of Charles S. Boker of Philadelphia?" My friend answered, "That is what I am believed to be." — " Well," said the President, " I was your father's lawyer in Springfield, and I only wish I had all the money I collected and paid to him. for I would have a very handsome fortune." Mr. Lincoln said, •• The Kentucky commissioners are waiting for me on the balcony below. They are here to protest against my sending troops through their State to the relief of the Unionists of Tennessee, and I would like you and Forney to come down and see them. Tney say they want Kentucky to decide her relations to the General Government for herself, and that any forces sent through their State to the Unionists of Tennessee would certainly arouse the elements of revolt." Then Boker told the President an anecdote of the British Minister at the court of Frederick the Great, who was anxious to persuade the king to take part in the British conflicts with other European powers. Old Fritz steadily refused to be involved. His policy was against all part in the quarrel. At a formal state dinner, when the British Minister was present, Frederick said. "Will my Lord Bristol [the name of the British plenipotentiary] allow me to send him a piece of capon ? " to which the latter indignantly replied, '-No, sir: I decline having any thing to do with neutral ani- mals." The President enjoyed the joke hugely; and we walked down- stairs, where, on the balcony overlooking the joyous throng, stood the two Kentucky commissioners, one of them the eminent Judge Robertson, lately deceased. They renewed their appeals against sending troops across their State with much earnestness and ability. Mr. Lincoln quietly but resolutely combated their views, assuring them that neutrality did not become any of the friends of the government; that, while the

On tiik Balcony stood the Two Kentucky Commissioners.

20

citizen enjoyed bis rights and the protection of the laws, he must also recognize his obligations and his duties. Then, turning to Boker, he asked him to repeat the incident between Frederick the Great and the British Minister, which, though it made the Kentuckians laugh, was evidently not agreeable to them. Mr. Lincoln added, "Gentlemen, my position in regard to your State is like that of the woodman who, return- ing to his home one night, found coiled around his beautiful children, who were quietly sleepiug in their bed, several poisonous snakes. His first impulse was to save his little ones ; but he feared that, if he struck at the snakes, he might strike the children ; and yet he dared not let them die without an effort. So it is with me. I know Kentucky and Ten- nessee are infested with the enemies of the Union ; but I know also that there are thousands of patriots in both who will be persecuted even unto death unless the stroug hand of government is interposed for their pro- tection and rescue. We must go in. The old flag must be carried into Tennessee at whatever hazard." Upon which the commissioners retired with unconcealed dissatisfaction. — John W. Forney.

The Scriptures ?;«. Shakspeare.

T

HE SCRIPTURES vs. SHAKSPEARE.

A few days before the adjournment of one of the sessions of the Legislature of North Carolina, a wealthy conservative from a distant por- tion of the State, happening to be in Raleigh, paid a visit to the Capitol. Taking a seat in the. lobby of the Senate chamber, he meditated on the degeneracy of the times which permits colored men to hold seats in that body. He was roused from his reverie by a colored Senator, who arose, and in the course of his remarks used the familiar quotation from the 137th Psalm, " Let my right hand forget her cunning," etc. He could contain himself no longer, and, turning to a friend, said. " Isn't it dis- gusting to hear such an ignoramus attempting to quote Shakspeare?"

Non-committal.

^TON-COMMITTAL.

■ At one time John C. Spencer, then Secretary of the Treasury, was nominated as Justice of the Supreme Court in place of Smith Thomp- son, deceased ; and David Henshaw, a noted Democrat of Boston, was nominated for Secretary of the Navy. These nominations were held in abeyance for some time ; and after a while Spencer and Henshaw became impatient, and sought to ascertain what their fate was to be. George Evans of Maine was then one of the most influential members of the Senate ; and Albert Smith, who had been in the House of Representatives from the same State, and was then a sort of lobbyist and general agent in Washington, called upon Evans in the hope of gaining some information. He told the Senator that Spencer and Henshaw were concerned about the action of the Senate upon their nominations.

"Naturally so," said Mr. Evans; "and one of them must have sent you to me to inquire ? "

" I came at their joint request. And now, what shall I tell them? "

"Well, Albert," said the Senator, "3-011 may tell them this story. When the rich Mr. Clapp of Portland was at the height of his com- mercial career, about a dozen vessels loaded with molasses arrived from the West Indies and New Orleans in the course of two or three days. A majority of them were owned by, or consigned to, Clapp : and the smaller merchants did not dare to sell a gallon of treacle until he had fixed upon a price. After some days it was bruited about that he had sold one of his cargoes. Up comes one of the traders to gather information.

"'So, Mr. Clapp, you've sold the "Juno's" molasses, hain't

you :

" ' You heard so down on the wharf, eh? '

" ' And they are all anxious to know what price you got.'

" ' Uniph ! sent you up here to find out. didu't they?'

22

• ' ' Yesl they did. What shall I tell 'em ? ' " ' Tell 'ern you don't know.' " Smith left the presence rather crestfallen, Speueer and Henshaw were both rejected.

and the next week

M=

\TE ON FRIDAY.

At a Democratic meeting held in a neighboring city, it was deemed that a good thing to do would be to have a barbecue. The subject was referred to a committee, who reported favorably, and recommended that it be held on Friday week. Upon the announcement of the date, an excited Irishman jumped to his feet, and exclaimed, " Mr. Prisidint, I'd have ye to understand, sur, that the great heft of the Dimmicratic party don't ate mate on Friday ! " Patrick put that undeniable fact in a very concise and pointed way. He couldn't have done it better. The barbecue was not held on Friday.

A/rORE REPUBLICAN INSOLENCE.

Along the course of the River Seine, through Paris, are many life-saving stations with the word " Noyes," indicating their character, painted in plain letters upon them. Last summer, when Congressman O'Neill of St. Louis was in the gayest of cities for a season, he saw these signs every day for a week, and finally could contain himself no longer.

"By thunder! " he said to his companion, "did you ever see any thing like the gall of the Republican party ? ' '

"What do you mean?" exclaimed his friend in surprise.

" Why, look at that name there and everywhere up and down the river. It's all right, maybe, for Gov. Noyes to be the Republican Min-

ister here when the party was in power ; but what the deuce did he want to advertise himself for on every bill-board, from the head waters to the mouth of this river? It's ten years ago, too; and if McLane had any snap, he'd paint out Noyes's, and put his own up. It makes me sick, and I don't know whether to cuss the apathy of my own party or the cheek of the opposition." And the Missouri statesman said several bad words, and started off toward American headquarters.

I'ue ureal- Heft 01? the liimmuratio Party don't ate Mate on Friday!

23

T

1HE FAITHFUL MARINE.

Some time ago the Hon. Timothy J. Campbell, member of Con- gress, visited the Brooklyn Navy Yard. A large stone wall surrounds the grounds, which you have to skirt in order to reach the quarters of the officer in command. Favored ones, however, can make a short cut through a little side-gate; but they must have a pass. A sentry always guards this gate. "Tim" walked up to this sentry one day, after giving his white necktie an extra twist, and attempted to enter the enclosure.

"No thoroughfare," cried the sentry.

"No what?" " No thoroughfare." •• Well, I guess I can pass," said ••Tim," drawing himself up, and giv- ing his tie auother turn.

" Not except you have a pass." "Well, I don't need a pass," remarked " Tim " assuringly : " I am a member of Congress."

" Come, now, move on ; I haven't time to fool with you any longer. Move on, I say, or " —

"Tim" was now thoroughly

roused. " I say, I am the Hon.

Timothy J. Campbell from the Eighth Congressional District of New

York, — and don't you forget it," he added, with a significant wink at

the sentry.

But the latter didn't budge. He only laughed at "Tim," and finally, when the honorable gentleman got a trifle excited, ordered him peremptorily off. Vowing vengeance, " Tim " departed. He made directly to the Commandant's quarters. Here he stated his grievance.

Thoroughfare."

He was listened to attentively, and presently the sentry was sent for.

" Did you refuse to let this gentleman pass? " asked Col. Hayward.

" Yes, sir."

" Didn't he tell you who he was? "

"Yes, sir."

" Well, why didn't you let him pass, then? "

" Because he said he was a member of Congress, and I knew then that he was a liar. ' '

"Tim" hadn't a word to say after that; but since then he has sworn to abolish the Marine Corps. And, of course, he will do it.

A-

BRAINY MAN BY PROXY.

A widely known Congressman was called upon by a reporter whose paper wanted to know what, in the Congressman's opinion, would and should be the effect of an incident that had just occurred at Washington, and had greatly excited the Congressman's constituency.

"Sorry, but I am too busy to give you a moment to-day," said

Mr. , as he opened slightly the door of his private office. "But

look here : you are a good man, and you know me pretty well. Suppose you go to the office and write up a spicy interview, and show me the proof. I guess it will be all right."

The reporter did so. The Congressman changed not more than half a dozen lines in the proof; and the "interview," when published, was quoted far and wide as the valuable opinion of a man especially qualified

to speak upon the subject. Not only did Mr. ■ pay a high compliment

to the reporter for his implied familiarity with current political events, ami good judgment, but he showed that whatever the reporter wrote — which, of course, was subject to correction — it would be put in such a form that it would be interesting to its readers.

•M

■-PADDIKLE vs. DEMOCRAT.

"Reconstruction" seems to have had a different meaning in different localities. A New Orleans correspondent gives the following as its definition from the colored point of view in that city : —

A "man and brother" went into a clothing-store, and arrayed himself in fine apparel, but, before consummating the purchase, said to the clothier. " Before I buys dis coat, I wants to know if you's de right stripe. Is you a Raddikle ? " The party addressed indignantly replied, '•Take the coat off, and leave the store. I'll teach you not to be impertinent in future." — '.' Well, boss, it's all right : I didn't mean no harm. I only wanted to know if you was a Raddikle, kase I'm a Democrat, and don't trade wid dein sort."

•TTUNKER" AND "BARN-BURNER."

Here is one about Van Buren. During the autumn of the year 1851 there was a terrible contest waging between the "Hunker" and "Barn-burner" factions of the dominant party in the city of New York. An excellent but very young gentleman, afterward a member of Congress, and now holding a high office under the municipal govern- ment of that city, happened to be the " Hunker " candidate as delegate from the fifteenth ward to the State convention to be held at Syracuse, in opposition to Van Buren, who was the "Barn-burner" nominee. There was a great deal of excitement at the polls, possibly some "ballot-stuffing." The result was, that the gentleman anonymously referred to was returned, and received the certificate of election, while Van Buren announced that he would go to Syracuse to contest the seat. Accordingly, the day before the convention was to assemble, I with several others started for Syracuse in company with our candidate. We arrived at Albany in the evening, and went to Congress Hall for supper.

When we entered the dining-room, whom should we find there but Mr. Van Buren, seated at the head of the table, and flanked on either side by several of his prominent adherents. Our man and ourselves took seats at the same table, somewhat lower down ; and Mr. Van Buren, who knew me, saluted me. This was like waving a red flag at an enraged bull. Our candidate, who sat next to me, at once began to abuse Van Buren to me in very savage terms. Presently the latter, who knew him as well as he knew me, turned to me, and in his usual drawling tone, but in quite a loud voice, said, "Field, who is that young man who sits next you ? " — " That, Mr. Van Buren," I answered,

n is Mr. ." — " Oh ! that is Mr. , is it? " he rejoined. " Well,

please give him my compliments, and tell him that he is a confounded young politician." — Field.

rpoo SANDY.

Col. Aaron Finch was a distinguished Democratic politician in Indiana. He had some thoughts of emigrating to Arkansas, and. meet- ing a gentleman from that part of the country, asked him what were the inducements to remove to that State. Par- ticularly he inquired about the soil. The gentleman informed him that the land was good, but in some parts very sandy. Col. Finch then asked about the polities of Arkansas, and the prospects of a stranger getting ahead.

"Very good," was the reply: "the Democratic party is strongly in the major- ity. But, to succeed, a man must load himself down with revolvers and bowie- knives, and fight his way through."

"Oh, well," said the colonel, "on the whole, from what you say, I think Ar- kansas wouldn't suit me. I rather think the soil is a little too sandy ! "

A Little too s-andy.

25

VlEGIL HOSKIXS BEFORE UIS Jl'DUE

rpHE YANKEE PEDDLER.

The political caricatures and burlesques of Jackson's of party rancor and personal antipathy. In one of them conducts his readers into the judgment-hall of Rhadain reports the examination of the spirit of a departed Yankee ■

day are full

the author

xnthus, and

28

"Soon we heard one of the constables call out, 'Virgil Hoskins' Virgil Hoskins! '-'Here,' answered our companion the Yankee ped- dler, quaking up to the bar. Rhadamanthus was seated with a great number of huge account-books before him. ' Virgil Hoskins is your name, is it?' said he. 'Here it is among the H's, page 49,308. Ah, Virgil, there's a terribly long account against you. Let's see a few of the charges. (Beads.)

" 'Virgil Hoskins. d

" 'June 27, 18—. To selling, in the course of one peddlino- expe- dition, 497,368 wooden nutmegs, 281,532 Spanish cigars made of oak- leaves, and 647 wooden clocks.

" ' What do you say to that charge, Hoskins? '

" Hoskins. Why, that was counted in our place about the greatest peddling trip that ever was made over the Potomac.

"Rhadamanthus (reads). June 29, 18—. To stealing an old grindstone, smearing it over witli butter, and then selling jt as a cheese.

"Hoskins (in great surprise). Jimminy ! Surely, you wouldn't punish a man for that, would you?

" Rhadamanthus (reads). Dec. 13, 1780. To making a counter- feit dollar of pewter, when you were six years old, and cheating your own father with it. & "

"Hoskins. Daddy was mighty glad when he found it out. He said it showed I had a genius.

"Rhadamanthus (reach). July 2, 18—. To taking a worn-out pair of shoes which you found in the road, and selling them to a pious old lady as being actually the shoes of St. Paul.

"Hoskins (with exultation). I made four dollars and twelve and a half cents by that.

"Rhadamanthus (reads). July 2, IS—. To taking an empty old watch-case, putting a live cricket into it, and then selling it as a patent lever in full motion.

' Hoskins. He, he, he. That was one of the cutest tricks I ever played in all my life.

•' Rhadamanthus. It would occupy me a week, Hoskins, to go through all the charges against you. These few are sufficient. I really am getting entirely out of patience with New England, for it gives me more trouble than all the rest of the world put together. You are sen- tenced to be thrown into a lake of boiling molasses, where nearly all your countrymen already are, with that same old grindstone tied to your neck, and to remain there forever."

c

OLLAE vs. CHOLER.

When Foote was canvassing the State of Mississippi previous to the Congressional election for which he was a candidate, he arrived one

day at the town of L , where he was engaged to make a speech.

While waiting for dinner he chanced to pick up a late number of " The Banner," a little one-horse paper published in that place, and found contained therein a very severe article against himself. He clipped the article from the paper, and, after eating his dinner, proceeded to the court-house, where a very respectable crowd had already assembled ; among others, in company of his sweetheart, Billy Cox, the editor of the aforementioned paper. Foote, in the course of his speech, took occasion to speak of the many severe and unjust things which were said of him by the newspapers. "And foremost in bitterness, but last in impor- tance," he said, "I may mention a scurrilous little sheet published in this town, the editor of which, judging by the reading contained therein, has but a thimbleful of brains to balance a worldful of spite." This was too much for Billy to stand : he sprang up, and commenced a vindication of himself.

" Sit down ! " commanded the orator. "The people came here to hear me speak, not you."

" Well, you needn't get your choler up about it," replied Billy.

"But I have my 'collar' up, and I always keep my collar up," answered Foote, at the same time giving a pull to that much-needed

article of dress, which already reached the neighborhood of his ears; " and I would advise the gentleman to keep the other end of the same garment down.-"

COLLAlt W. CllOLBK.

'■ Vi.i'vk oot Ome of Toun Hairs crossed over the Other."

r OST BY

A HAUL

Wheh Hannibal Hamlin was Speaker of the Maine Assembly, there was in that body a eertain gentleman of faultless attire, pleasing man- ners, good address, and some reputation. This gentleman, whose name need not be mentioned, had one foible, — that is to say, one pronounced

and particular foible, — his hair was very thin, and he was very sensitive in regard to it. To hide his approaching baldness, he had a habit of carefully stroking into its place, with bandoline and other preparations, each particular hair which was left to him.

One day, while in the chair as Speaker, Mr. Hamlin, in the inno- cence of a good and joke-loving nature, sent for this gentleman, and, looking fixedly at his smooth and polished pate, said, with a chuckle, —

"Blank, old fellow, I just wanted to tell you that you've got one of your hairs crossed over the other. ' '

"You insult me, sir: you insult me!" replied the member, with unexpected and altogether unnecessary indignation ; and then, refusing to listen either to reason or explanation, he left the Speaker's desk, and returned to his seat.

When Mr. Hamlin became a candidate for the United States Senate this gentleman was a member of the upper house of the Maine Legisla- ture, and positively refused, though a member of the same party, to vote for the man by whom he believed he had been insulted.

So it was that Hannibal Hamlin was defeated for a seat iu the Senate — by a hair ! — Howard Carroll.

T

HEY DROWNED THE HATCHET.

An incident which illustrates the late Gov. Parker's readiness in extricating himself from an unexpected dilemma was related by him some years ago. While he was a member of the New Jersey House of Assembly, in 1848, a question of some local and political importance came up, and the then young and rising statesman decided to oppose it vigorously. To this end he prepared an elaborate speech, in which he let his patriotic fire burst into flame. He was so well pleased with his effort, that he told a friend what he was going to say. To emphasize one portion of his speech, he referred to an oil portrait of Washington which hung on the wall at the right of the Speaker's desk. When ho

aot to that portion of his speech, he exclaimed, " And even the Father of his Country " — He raised his hand and lifted his eyes toward where he supposed the picture was. It had been removed by his waggish friend. He instantly added, " has been taken away, in fear that he would blush for shame at the passage of this iniquitous measure."

At the end of the session the friend who had removed the portrait was effuse in his congratulations to Mr. Parker on the excellence of his speech.

" That is all right," said Mr. Parker; " you did me a good turn: and, as one good turn deserves another, let's go and drown the hatchet."

D

IDXT HAVE THE NEEDFUL.

A group of Republican Senators were discussing, the other day, the new fisheries treaty, when some one remarked that the failure to apply the policy of retaliation authorized by Congress last year placed Mr. Bayard in the position, when the commissioners met to negotiate, of having nothing to concede ; while the other side were able to put an agreement to cease the unlawful harassing of our fishermen by Canadian authorities in the light of a "concession." In other words, as Henry Cabot Lodge expressed it, "A fair treaty was impossible, because the two parties did not start fair."

This reminded Senator Cullom of the position in which an old Texas pioneer found himself once. He was fond, in his latter days, of boast- ing of the "good old times," referring to the days of the old colonists.

" Why, sir," exclaimed the pioneer to some friends, " I was once offered a league of land for a pair of old boots."

" Didn't you take it? " he was asked.

"No, sir; I didn't." ' " Poor land, I reckon."

" Why. bless your heart, sir, it was the best piece of land outdoors,

— grass five feet high, a clear stream of water running through it, and

an undeveloped silver-mine in one corner."

" And why in thunder didn't you make the trade? "

" Because," said the old man in a regretful tone of voice, " because

I — I didn't have the boots."

That was the position, exactly, of Mr. Bayard. He had no boots

to offer in trade.

^'•^v^^C-

•1 WAS CINC'K OFFERED A l.KAOUE OF T.ANO FOR A R&IB OF OLD Boots.'

29

A NOTHER OF WEBSTER.

A certain ex-judge and Mr. Webster were at one time on very inti- mate terms. At a particular time, during the changes of political rela- tions contingent upon the breaking-up of the Whig Party, the judge found it convenient, perhaps profitable, to court some other rising stars in preference to the great constitutional luminary that had hitherto been the idol of his worship, and neglected to pay his devotions at the accus- tomed shrine.

This was noticed by Mr. Webster, and, besides, some interested friends had advised him of the judge's delinquency ; while at the same time the judge was warned by some of his friends, that, if he did not look out, he would lose Mr. Webster's friendship altogether. This alarmed the judge, and determined him, after a coolness of several mouths, to renew, if he could, his old relations. So one morning he went up to Mr. Webster's office in Boston, which was then on the corner of Court and Tremont Streets. The latter happened to be alone, pacing the room backward and forward, with his hands behind him, in one of his gloomy moods.

The judge opened the door part way, and, looking in, addressed the great man in his soft and musical tones, which had, moreover, some- thing of pleading in them : —

"Good-morning, Mr. Webster."

"Good-morning, Judge " (with acidity, and considerable

emphasis not of the pleasant kind, — still pacing backward and for- ward, without looking at the judge).

"A line morning, Mr. Webster," continued the judge, still holding the door by the knob.

" A ver-r-y fine mor-r-nincj, Judge ."

" Good-morning," replied the judge shortly, giving up the attempt, and retiring slowly.

" Good-mok-r-ninq, Judge " (with increased emphasis)', when

the judge closed the door.

nnoo MANY

BRIGADIERS.

A lady once called to see Mr. Lincoln on business of importance. No one was waiting, and, at the invitation of the messenger, she passed directly into the President's room. She found a gentleman engaged in conversation with the President, but neither noticed her entrance. Tak- ing a seat at a distance from the two gentlemen, she waited her oppor- tunity. The visitor handed a paper to Mr. Lincoln. He looked it over carelessly, aud said, —

" Yes, that is a sufficient indorsement for anybody. What do you want? "

The reply was not heard, but the promotion of some person in the army was strongly urged. She heard the sarcastic words from the applicant : —

" I see there are no vacancies among the brigadiers, from the fact that so many colonels are commanding brigades."

At this the President threw himself forward in his chair in such a way as to expose to the lady the most curious, comical expression of features imaginable. He was looking the man squarely in the face; and with one hand softly patting the other, and the funny look pervad- ing every line of his countenance, he said, "My friend, let me tell you something about that. You are a farmer, I believe ; if not, you will understand me. Suppose you had a large cattle-yard full of all sorts of cattle, —cows, oxen, and bulls, — and you kept killing, aud selling, and disposing of your cows and oxen in one way and another, taking good care of your bulls. By and by you would find out that you had nothing but a yard full of old bulls, good for nothing under heaven. Now, it will be just so with the army if I don't stop making brigadier- generals."

The man was answered, and he tried to laugh ; but the effort was a feeble one. Mr. Lincoln laughed, however, enough for both parties. He laughed all over, and laughed his visitor out of the room — ./. G. Holland.

T

AKIFF PLEASANTRIES.

Not a few things quotable in a chronicle of political wit and humor occur in the proceedings of Congress. Recently, when the bill for a commission to revise the tariff and internal revenue was under discussion in the House of Representatives, several good speeches, pro and con, were delivered. Among them, that of Congressman Cox was both able

and witty, and frequently brought down the House. His illustrations, drawn from home-life, showing how every thing is taxed that enters a man's dwelling, was very cleverly brought in. Said he, —

"The little girl cannot play with her doll, nor the boy whiz his top. nor the mother wash her off- spring with soap, except at an expense of from one-third to one- half of their cost for the domestic privilege. [Laughter.] If the mother gives her child castor-oil, she pours down a hundred and forty-eight per cent ad valorem. [Laughter.] If the child does not enjoy the dose, there is a twenty-five per cent, bowl as the recipient of the contents of its tender stomach. And though she ' wash it with nitre, and take to it much soap, yet the iniquity is marked before me, saith the Lord : ' for the soap is taxed forty per centum. God help the child ! "

Mr. Towmshend of Illinois. '■ How about candy? " Mr. Cox. " I am coming to that in a moment, my honey. [Great laughter.] If she wraps the little dear in a plain bleached cotton night- shirt, it has a nightmare of five and a half cents per square yard specific.

'The Soap is taxed Forty per Centum. God help the Child!"

[Laughter.] When the child awakes in the morning fretful, she combs its little head at thirty-five percent, ad valorem. [Laughter.] If she would amuse it, she rolls it over a Brussels carpet at ninety cents per square yard, or gives it confectionery made of refined sugar at four cents a pound specific, and twenty-five per cent, ad valorem. If it tears its little panties, the gentleman from Pennsylvania [Mr. Kelley] sews them up with spool thread taxed at three-quarters of its value. [Laughter.] Why, if she used a shingle to bring the little ' toddling wee thing ' to its senses, as the honorable gentlemen can recall, the cost would be enhanced at the rate of seventeen per cent, taxation. [Laughter.] If the youngster has a patriotic inclination on our Fourth of July, his fire-crackers are taxed as a patriotic luxury at one dollar extra a box ; and the bunting which furnishes the flag, though but twenty-three cents a pound, costs a hundred and twenty-one per cent extra ; while the band plays on instruments taxed at thirty per cent. She takes him to the menagerie to study natural history. There is the zebra, symbolic of a mixed ad valorem and specific [laughter] ; and the stately giraffe, high protection [laughter] ; the royal tiger, and unicorn of Holy Writ, at twenty per cent. True, Jumbo, for purposes not to be mentioned, is excluded by the affidavit of a consistent protectionist: but the log-chain that holds his huge legs binds the monster in pro- tective chains." [Laughter.]

A

CHANCE SHOT.

A distinguished Free-Soiler, after the nomination of Taylor for the Presidency, accosted Mr. Choate in the street, and told him that the Free-Soil section of the Whig party was determined to oppose the nomination at the polls. "What can you do?" said Mr. Choate. "Perhaps little," was the reply; "but at least Massachusetts can fire her gun in the air." — "Yes," at once retorted Mr. Choate. "and hit her guardian angel in the eye."

32

p

OSTMASTER-GENERAL GRANGER.

Francis Granger, the postmaster-general, was the second son of Gideon Granger, the head of the postal establishment of the country under President Madison. The elder Granger, on being inquired of respecting his family, said he had three sons: " John, my youngest, is the gentleman : Frank is a politician ; but Ralph, sir, is a statesman." And his description was correct throughout.

Mr. Granger, although generally pleasant and obliging in his office, sometimes asserted himself rather ostentatiously, wishing it to be thought that he was no unimportant member of the government. A circumstance illustrating this weakness may be not inappropriately narrated. A gen- tleman who had been for some time on pleasant personal terms with Mr. Granger, and sympathized with him politically, waited on him at his office to prefer a request.

'•Mr. Granger," said he, "I have called to ask a small favor of you."

Mr. Crittenden, the attorney-general, was present, and Mr. Granger was evidently disposed to show off before him.

•■ Well, state your case," said he.

•; The postmaster in my native town is a Democrat ; the emoluments are trifling, not exceeding a hundred and thirty dollars a year. The man is town-clerk, and also keeps a store. There the office is kept. The citizens generally would be glad to have him retained. He is accommo- dating, and no party advantage would be gained by his removal. He is a personal friend of my father, a worthy man, and I should be greatly obliged if you would allow him to remain."

In a tone rather supercilious than otherwise, Mr. Granger replied, " I believe I am postmaster-general."

The gentleman left the office without another word, incensed and provoked, determined upon having satisfaction. Going directly to the "White House, he procured from the President a note to the postmaster- general, of which the following is a copy : — ■

Siii,- State of —

■ You will abstain from making any changes in your department in the - without written orders from me. J. Tyler.

Armed with this missive, the gentleman returned to the Post-office Department. Mr. Crittenden was still there. Handing the note to Mr. Granger, the gentleman thus addressed him, —

" You said to me a short time since, sir, with rather more empresse- ment and authority than seemed to be called for, that you were post- master-general. I did not gainsay the declaration ; but you will perceive, on reading what the President has written, that I have withdrawn the State of from your jurisdiction."

As he left the presence Mr. Crittenden followed him out.

" You served Granger just right. But what a rebuke ! If he had the spirit of a man, he would resign without one moment's delay."

/^IQULPN'T MOVE IT.

One of the most amusing scenes in the Legislature of Pennsyl- vania occurred on a motion to re- move the Capitol of the State from Harrisburg to Philadelphia. A matter-of-fact member from the rural districts, who had heard of the great facility with which brick houses are moved from one part of a city to another, and who had not the least idea that any thing but moving the State House was in contemplation, rose and said, —

" Mr. Speaker, I have no ob- jection to the motion, but I don't see how on airth you are going to git it over the river." Uuuldm'i move it.

33

I

NTEODUCTNG A SPEAKER.

It is a good thing for a political speaker to be favorably introduced

to his audience. Squire G , at a Fourth of July celebration in a

town near Boston, thus brought forward a young- orator: " Fellow-citizens, I have now the honor to in- troduce Mr. B , from the

granite hills of New Hamp- shire, the birthplace of the godlike Daniel Webster, and where John P. Hale — has walked with so much pleasure."

at the bare and venerable head of his opponent, asked if he should say what he thought of him. "Say on," saith Uri.

" Well, I think you haven't one in your head, and never had. There's been one scratching around on the outside, trying to get in, till

it has scratched all the hair

off ; but it's never got in, and never will." Uri was silent.

N

TO IDEAS.

I||l| |l|||"l»

Uri Osgood and Jona- than Aiken were on opposite sides of politics in Grundy County, Tenn., and the fight between them — they were running for Congress — grew warm and desperate. One day when they met on the

stump, Uri, whose head was bald, and should therefore have been cooler, in the midst of his indignation turned upon Jonathan, and said, —

"I think, sir, you have but one idea in your head, and that is a very small one ; if it should swell, it would burst it."

Whereat Jonathan grew red in the face, and, looking for a moment

"pEl I

Up

After the Hon. Cave Johnson had served his long and brilliant career in Con- gress, after he had distin- guished himself as President Polk's postmaster - general, after he had resigned with honor the presidency of the Bank of Tennessee, and had retired to the quiet of private life, he once stepped into the office of his nephew, Robert Johnson, then a young law- yer of much promise, and, finding the young man en- gaged in writing with a gold

had occasion to remark upon the extravagance of the rising generation.

"Why is it," said he, "that every 3'oung man now has his gold pen, while those of my day were content to use their goose-quils ? "

" I suppose," replied Robert in the most innocent mauuer possible, " it is because there were more geese when you were a young man."

"R7

pen,

34

"HHHAT REMINDS ME."

Mr. John H. Littlefield, who studied law under Mr. Lincoln, is responsible for the following : —

Several men urged Mr. Lincoln to remove Secretary of the Treasury Chase. They said he was in the way of the administration, and ham- pered the President. A

smile played around the corners of the President's mouth, and he said, —

•• That reminds me of a farmer out West. He was ploughing with his old mare Nance one hot summer day, and his son was following another plough in an adjoining furrow. A horse-fly got on Nance's nose, and the sou kept yelling to his daddy to stop and get the fly off the mare's nose. The father paid no attention to his vociferous son for a while. Finally the son

kept yelling about the fly on Nance's nose until the old man an- swered, — ~

" ' Now, look-a-here, jist keep quiet ; that ere fly on Nance's nose

makes her go faster.' "

There was a sudden collapse on the part of those who wanted Sec- retary Chase removed.

c* *v

" NOW, LOOK-AHEBE, THAT ERE FLY ON NANCE'8 NOSE MAKES TIER Ui

pRITTENDEN AND BIBB.

John J. Crittenden was made attorney-general by Mr. Fillmore when he made up his Cabinet on his accession to the Presidency. He was an able man, a powerful debater in the Senate, cmick in retort, and in a controversial discussion was rarely overmatched. A genial, amiable

gentleman, he was beloved by everybody. As a jury lawyer he excelled ; but he was not a profound pub- licist or statesman, nor was he distinguished as a jurist. His deputy was Chancellor Bibb, who had been in the Senate, and afterward Secretary of the Treasury under Mr. Tyler. Happening into the office of the attorney-general. I heard an amusing conver- sation between Mr. Critten- den and his deputy. He had prepared an opinion on a question growing out of a disputed claim of the State of Florida for inter- est on a debt owing her by the United States, which he had submitted to Judo-e Bibb for examination. "Chancellor," said he, "have you read my opinion?" — "I have," was the reply; "and, John, .f you had written such nonsense and called it law when you were study- ing with me in Frankfort, I would have turned you out of my office. — Recollections of an Old Stager.

30

Clay's Independence.

C

ILAY'S INDEPENDENCE.

On a certain occasion Mr. Clay felt called upon to define his position on the subject of slavery; and, haying carefully prepared liis argument, he read it to Col. Preston, at the same time asking his opinion of it. •• I quite agree with you in your views, Mr. Clay," said the latter ; " but

1 think the expression of such opinions will injure your prospects for the Presidency in my part of the country."

" Am I right, sir?" said Mr. Clay.

" I think you are, sir," replied the other.

"Then, sir," — with the kindling pride and generous ardor which made him so grand a nature to all who ever knew him, — ■■ I shall say every word of it, and compromise not one jot or tittle. I would rather be right than be President ! "

"B

OB" AND "FRANK" LINCOLN.

It would seem scarcely possible that such an ordinary thing as a mistake in identity might imperil the success of a Presidential candidate, and yet we are in possession of facts that show how it might very easily happen. Mr. Frank Lincoln, the reader, mimic, and humorist, recently visited Kearney, Neb., and gave one of his public entertainments. In the audience was a lady, the wife of an official of a national bank in Illinois, who was visiting her son in Kearney. At the hotel breakfast- table the next morning the following conversation occurred : —

" I went to hear Bob Lincoln last night," remarked the lady to her neighbor.

"Ah, indeed," responded he. " How were you pleased? "

" Well," said she with absolute innocence, "he is the funniest man I ever heard. While listening to him I could realize all the comical stories credited to his father. And yet, although his nomination for President is seriously considered in our State, he does not strike me as just the man for that high office."

It certainly behooves Robert T. Lincoln, who is the only simon-pure son of his father, to take immediate steps to counteract the effects of this lady's mistake, which he is not free to suppose is singular to her. Doubtless there are hundreds of wives, and husbands too. in the West

who have been deceived, by the similarity of names, into mistaking "Frank" for "Bob" Lincoln. Both are popular in their ways, the one per se, and the other for his p&re.

It is not altogether improbable that the roguish Frank takes a humorist's delight in not undeceiving those simple folk who flock to see him because they " hearn tell " that old Abe was an " all-fired " funny chap, and"mebbe" the boy takes " arter " his father. There would be both reputation and profit for him in fostering such a mistake.

But what may be funny and money to Frank may be confusion and death to Bob's Presidential boom. Now, Bob is as serious and grave a man as ever thumbed a Blackstone, or drew an interminable brief. Regarding the son's matter-of-fact wit, it is almost impossible to credit thestories of his father's humor. If Bob has inherited a vein of appre- ciation for the ridiculous, it has not been struck yet.

Bob Lincoln cannot afford to let the impression get abroad that he is identical with the volatile Frank, and it would be ruination to his success as a comical delineator for the humorous Frank to be mistaken

for Bob.

It is a very distressing case of involved identity.

s

UMNER'S SENSE OF DUTY.

About the time of the firing on Sumter, a naval officer, a South Carolinian by birth and education, but who had a warm aesthetic friend- ship for Sumner, came to him one day in great embarrassment.

" What shall I do," he asked, " if my ship is ordered to the South to coerce my own people ? ' '

" Read your commission, sir," was the answer.

'• But suppose my ship is ordered to Charleston? "

" Read your commission, sir."

"But suppose she ranges her broadsides against the city of mj birth?"

" Read your commission, sir," was again the answer.

"But, Senator, what if I am ordered to fire on my father's tation?"

"Read your commission, sir," again thundered the Senator.

This officer, who is still living, did not leave his flag, but was placed in the terrible embarrassment he pictured for himself.

plan-

■RHAD vol it Commission, Sik.

37

"POLK

AND MARCY.

'Ol.u CUBHUDUEON.1

President Polk, naturally of a reticent and saturnine temperament, had nevertheless a grim sense of humor, and rather enjoyed the con- fusion and embarrassment of his friends, especially if there was a ludicrous side to the affair. The uninterrupted and brilliant success of Gen. Taylor in the valley of the Rio Grande, while it gave great satis- faction to the administration regarded in a national point of view, was not without some alloy when politically considered. Men accustomed to forecast future political events discerned the possibility of Gen. Taylor's becoming so great a favorite with the people as to put in jeopardy the Democratic Presidential succession. But Mr. Polk had no elements of popularity : and Mr. Marcy, his War Minister, was the only really at- tractive feature of his administration : and of Marcy, Polk was jealous, and always glad of an opportunity to wound his amour propre.

When Taylor was at the height of his fame as a military com- mander, Gen. Hamer of Ohio, who had served under him, came to Wash- ington on sick leave or official business. He had been in Congress with Mr. Polk, and they were intimate friends. Hamer dined at the White House ; and the President eagerly questioned him in regard to the feeling entertained by Gen. Taylor toward the administration, and the manner in which he had been supported in Mexico by the Department of War. Ilamcr replied that he had not heard him say much respecting any members of the government except Gov. Marcy, whom he had bitterly denounced, and repeated the exact language in which the General had characterized the Secretary. At a Cabinet meeting, soon after, the President introduced the subject of Gen. Taylor's feelings toward the administration, and remarked that, while he had no precise infor- mation as to what he thought of most of the gentlemen who composed the Cabinet council, he was glad to be able to say, that, so far as the Secretary of War was concerned, he had been reliably informed that

Gen. Taylor had described Gov. Marcy as '-a old curmudgeon."

— Recollections of an Old Stager.

:is

T

HE BROTH OF A BOY.

Prentiss, the famous orator of the South-west, was very fond of using anecdotes to illustrate his subjects. On one occasion, when he was advocating the claims of Mr. Clay to the Presidency, he had a great many Irishmen among his auditors, who continually interrupted him by loud remarks. Prentiss finally addressed himself to the "dissenters," and in a playful manner went on to say that he could account for their dislike to his political idol in no other way than that it was natural to the Irish to be always in the " opposition," and then related the follow- ing incident : —

He said that some years ago, when it was the custom in New York City to keep the polls at elections open for three days, as might have been expected the voters got rather excited at the winding-up. A ship direct from Liverpool, and filled with emigrants, was hauled into one of the docks, directly in front of a " poll," where was breeding an election riot ; and the first man ashore was a " broth of a boy," shillalah in hand, who, scarcely able to stand upon solid earth after his long confinement on shipboard, was trying to get his legs in subordination, and compre- hend the confusion before him. At the instant, one of the runners about the polls, with a handful of tickets in his hand, rushed up to Pat, and, thrusting a vote into his face, asked with vehemence, " Which side are you on?" The threatening row had now broken into a storm, — brickbats, clubs, and imprecations prevailed, — when Pat seemed to suddenly recover his presence of mind, and replied, " Ye'd know the side I'm on, would ye?" and shaking his stick over his head, and giving a whoop, he concluded, "I'm on the rebillion side, ov coorse ! " And he then pitched into the brawl "like one at home."

TjWHATIC. — " Is there not such a thing as prec-edence ? " asked J— ' Senator Riddleberger of Senator Iugalls one day.

"There is such a thing as pre-ce-dence," was the emphasized reply of the presiding officer of the Senate.

'I'M ON TUIO kEUlLl.IUN SlDK, ov COORSKt'

rpHE MINISTER AND THE FRANCHISE.

\ Down-Easter tells a pretty good political yarn :'— \t the time of " Log Cabin" and "Hard Cider" campaign, the elo- quent and scholarly Dr. T • then a young man, had just been placed

in charge of his first church in a city way down in Maine. Party poli- tics rau high, and were not entirely confined outside the walls of the ••church:" at least, so thought some good Democratic brethren, who

consulted together in relation to what

position the new minister would take,

•q. ' as he had come so recently among them

Jfefe Mil^^. t^at tuey na<^ 1)eL>n unii','t' to iearn

%kwf W^t whether he was a Whig or a Democrat.

At any rate, after consultation, our Democratic brethren, fearing that it was hardly safe to rely upon him as with them, and fearing his influence in case he should go on the other side, decided that, as he had just come into the parish, 'twould perhaps be better, in order to keep in good fellowship all around, for him to stand aloof from any part in the approaching election.

Consequently they appointed Brother R , one of the oldest members,

and considered as having the greatest influence with the minister, as a committee to call and talk with him, and advise him to keep out of politics. So one morning Brother R called in to see the young min- ister, who as usual was very nappy to see him, and inquired anxiously in regard to the state, of the church. This gave our worthy brother an opportunity to approach the subject in hand, and he commenced : —

.. Brother T , you are aware that there is a great deal of politi- cal feeling through the country at the present time ; party lines are pretty closely drawn j and, I am sorry to say, appearances indicate that

BROTHEE U iSD THE PARSON.

it may not be kept entirely outside the church, but that brother will range himself against brother in this contest. We have therefore been consulting in regard to what is your duty in the matter, and I have been sent to give you the result of our deliberations. It is this : You have just come among us, a young man, and are loved and esteemed by the whole church. Hardly a member, if even one, knows your political views. Should you take part with either side in the approaching contest, the other side will necessarily feel opposed to you, and a bitterness will spring up which, we fear, would end in sad disaster to our church. We have "therefore felt it our duty to advise you to abstain from any part in the coming campaign, and hope that our views, if not in sympathy with your own, may be received in the same spirit of Christian love that

prompted them."

Mr. T sat quietly and heard him through, as he had often

before done upon subjects connected with the welfare of their church, as he was one whom, in particular, he felt glad to lean upon for support in his youth and inexperience. But, notwithstanding the apparent frank- ness and sincerity of the advice, he thought he could detect a little sign somewhere that it was outside of the church that was fearful of being offended, and being a man naturally full of fun, — a very dry, quiet fun, by the way, — and a good Harrison man withal, he thought he would

let Brother R decide for him whether, after all, there would he any

thing wrong iu his exercising the right of franchise. So he replied, —

"There is a good deal, I know, in what you have said ; but, though I am a minister of the gospel, still I am a man. and entitled to all a man's rights and privileges in the commuuity : and if. on the day of election, I should quietly, and interfering with no man, go down to the polls Ond deposit my ballot for Martin Van Bwen, and then quietly go home again, whose business is it ? "

The bait took in a moment ; and Brother R . rising from his

Chair, came across the floor, and taking Mr. T by the hand, said

energetically,—

"Brother T , it's nobody's business, and 1 should do as 1 chose

about it I"

40

rpAXING HIMSELF.

Ik the course of the tariff debate in the House of Representatives the following attempt was made to enliven its dulness by a bit of waggery : —

Mr. Ross moved to increase the duty on apples, garden fruit, and vegetables, from ten to fifty per cent.

Mr, Thayer of Pennsylvania suggested, that, if the gentleman's amendment included " small potatoes," he might go for it. (Laughter.)

The Philadelphia "Age" remarks upon this, that it is the first instance on record of a member of Congress proposing a tax upon himself.

The joke is old, but good. A good many 3-ears ago, when Gen. Cass was a leader among Democrats, and consequently an object of dis- like to the Whigs, it was moved in the Legislature of a Western State to bestow the name of Cass on a new county. A Whig, meaning to be sarcastic, rose, and moved, as an amendment, that the first letter of the proposed name be struck out. The laugh was on his side hugely, until the Democrat retorted that he might not have any objection, but that it was very unusual for a member to rise and propose that a county in the State should be named after himself ; and then the other side had the laugh.

PAT'S WIT. — Here is a good story of President Tyler, referring to the time that he succeeded as Vice-President to the chief magistracy upon the death of President Harrison. It was said that he commissioned his Irish coachman to purchase a carriage for htm. After searching Washington a day or two, Pat came to his master and reported that he had found a very handsome one for sale, but that it had been used a few times. "That will never do," answered Mr. Tyler. "It would not be proper for the President of the United States to drive a second-hand carriage." — "And sure, what are you but a second-hand President?" was the prompt and unanswerable reply.

pgAFTY.

In the Pennsylvania Legislature at Harrisburg, in the session of 1829-30, J. F. Craft, Esq., was chairman of the Committee of Ways and Means, and advocated the charter of the Bank of Pennsylvania.

Ckaft and Martin.

He was earnestly opposed by Benjamin Martin, Esq., of Philadelphia, who reproached him with excessive zeal, and undertaking tasks beyond his powers ; taunting him with the couplet, —

"Larger boats may venture more, But smaller Craft should keep near shore."

Tn reply, Mr. Craft pounced upon Mr. Martin by answering his argument, and then reminded the House that the gentleman had quoted but two lines out of four, and he would beg leave to supply the

remainder : —

" The noble swallow soars to upper' sky: The. humble Martin can but —try."

41

Show took I'apkhs.

C

HALLENGED.

In one of the towns of the "Far West "•'•at " then and there," a man approached the polls to vote. He didn't I much like an honest elector, and accordingly his vote was at once challenged.

election held ook

"I am entitled to vote," said he. "I am naturalized, and I've got my papers."

"Where are they?" said one of the inspectors.

" Have you got them ivith you? " asked another.

" They are at home ; I haven't got them along," replied the would- be voter.

" Very well, sir ; your vote is challenged. You must produce your papers."

He went away "in a huff," and by and by returned, and handed a couple of papers to the chairman of the inspectors.

" There," said he, "see if I haven't got the papers."

He had "got the papers," but not the kind lie wanted, or the inspectors either. They simply announced his commitment to and liberation from the State prison.

Finding his mistake, the indignant jail-bird left the polling-place instanter.

This calls to mind the honest old English Quaker who is said to have voted under somewhat amusing circumstances some years since in a New York ward. He presented himself at the polls, and his vote was challenged by a surly inspector.

" Why, friend, thee knows me : I live in thy ward."

"Yes, I know you by sight, but I never saw your papers. You must bring your papers."

"I will go and get them, and bring them to thee: but does thee believe that I would tell thee a falsehood? "

"I don't say any thing about that: all I say is, we must have the papers. The law is, that we must have 'em."

Off went our Friend ; and in about half an hour he returned, bring- ing with him the necessary documents, when his suffrage was at ouee admitted.

The next year, at a hotly contested election, in which some impor- tant moral, social, or religious question was involved, the Quaker again appeared at the polls; and there was the same inspector, who again challenged his vote.

42

'•Now," said the Friend, "thee doesn't want me to go again a mile to get my papers, does thee? Thee surely must know I have a vote."

" Yes, we want the papers before us."

" Well," said the Friend, with a smile on his face that fairly lighted up the shadow of his broad-brim, " I thought that perhaps thee might be so vicious, and so I brought them with me this time."

There was not much to be said in reply.

A

GROAYING YOUNG MAN.

Congressman John Wise of Virginia tells a good story on John E. Lamb of Indiana, for whom he spoke during the late contest of the latter in his State. Wise did not know how popular Lamb was at home. He was on the cars going to Terre Haute, when a short Roman-nosed German turned about and said bluntly, —

" Be you a drummer? "

"No," replied Wise.

" Be you a traveller? "

"No."

" Bo? " rejoined the German. " Then what be you ? "

"I am here," answered Mr. Wise, "in a Democratic district, to make speeches in favor of the Republican candidate."

" You don't tell me you're going down to Terre Haute to make a speech against Schon Lamb?"

"Yes," said Wise, "I am."

" Mine friend, you make one mistake. Schon Lamb is one of the vreatfst men in this country."

"What!" replied Wise with a smile, "is he greater than General Grant?"

" Yes, mine friend, he is greater as 'four Shcneral Grants."

" Not greater than Garfield? "

"Garfield was not a circumstance to Schon Lamb. Why, mine friend, Schon Lamb is the greatest man that ever lived."

" No ! " said Wise ; " you don't mean to say that he is a greater man than Solomon?"

"Ah, mine friend," rejoined the German with enthusiasm, "I don't say that Schon Lamb is now a bigger man than Solomon," — and here he leaned over toward Wise, and shook his finger solemnly in his faCe5 — " but, mine friend, Schon Lamb vas young yet."

Hut, mink IfRUSWi Si iu>n Lamb vas yoi'nu vet.

At Webbteu'u House.

A1

T WEBSTER'S HOUSE.

At midnight of the day on which Gen. Scott was nominated for the Presidency by the Whig convention which was held in Baltimore in June, 1852, a great crowd assembled in front of Mr. Webster's house in Washington, and "called him out." He arose from his bed, and appeared at an open window, wrapped in his dressing-gown. He spoke as follows : —

" I thank you, fellow-citizens, for this friendly and respectful call. I am very glad to see you. Some of you have been engaged in an arduous public duty at Baltimore, the object of your meeting being the selection of a fit person to be supported for the office of President of the United States. Others of you take an interest in the result of the deliberations of that assembly of Whigs. It so happened that my name was presented on the occasion ; another candidate, however, was preferred. I have only to say, gentlemen, that the convention did, I doubt not, what it thought best, and exercised its discretion in the important matter committed to it. The result has caused in me no personal feeling whatever, nor any change of conduct or purpose. What I have been, I am in principle and in character ; and what I am, I hope to continue to be. Circumstances or opponents may triumph over my fortunes, but they will not triumph over my temper or my self- respect.

" Gentlemen, this is a serene and beautiful night. Ten thousand thousand of the lights of heaven illuminate the firmament. They rule the night. A few hours hence, their glory will be extinguished.

" ' Ye stars that glitter in the skies, Ami gayly dance before my eyes, What are ye when the sun shall rise ?'

Gentlemen, there is not one among you who will sleep better to-night than I shall. If I wake, I shall learn the hour from the constellations: and I shall rise in the morning, God willing, with the lark; and though

11

the lark is a better songster than I am, yet he will not leave the clew and the daisies, and spring up to greet the purpling east, with a more blithe and jocund spirit than I possess.

"Gentlemen, I again repeat my thanks for this mark of your respect, and commend you to the enjoyment of a quiet aud satisfactory repose. May God bless you all ! "

One of the accounts of this address given by the telegraph was, that Mr Webster appeared at the window, and said something about the stars and the beautiful night, but made no allusion to the convention. Another represented him as speaking bitterly of the doings at Baltimore. I know not whether the version which I now send to you is to be found in any of the newspapers of the time, excepting, perhaps, "The Boston Daily Advertiser," which, as I am informed, submitted it to Mr. Webster. It is undoubtedly what he said, and the whole of it. He never gave his support to the candidacy of Gen. Scott, or would allow it to be said that he approved of his nomination. — George Tkknor Curtis.

/~1ILES SUBSIDED.

Patrick Henry once called Gov. Giles of Virginia a " bob-tailed politician." Giles demanded an explanation. Henry responded, "I do not recollect having called you a ' bob-tailed ' politician at any time, but think it probable I have. Not recollecting the time or occasion, I cannot say what I did mean ; but if you will tell me what you think I meant, I will say whether you are correct or not."

rpHE BOOTS CAME DOWN.

When Judge Woods was Speaker of the Ohio Legislature, a gene- ration ago, his ready wit and strong sense made him very popular. On one "occasion a rural statesman entered the hall with his No. 12 brogans covered with the soil of his native hills, and, taking his seat, placed his feet on his desk, one boot on the toe of the other. The Speaker's eye was at once attracted to the statesman ; and he called out,

"The gentleman from ," which partially awakened our friend,

who peered out from behind his boots, and informed the Speaker that he had not addressed the Chair; to which Mr. Speaker replied, "I thought you did. I saw you were standing up." The house came down, as did the boots.

UlLES DEMANDED AN EXPLANATION.

*■ The Wrong Bill."

• rpHE WRONG BILL."

An amusing little incident occurred in u Democratic State con- vention over which Gov. Bedle was presiding, not long ago, in Trenton. He was warming to the subject of Slate expenditures during his speech accepting the office of permanent chairman, when he ran his right hand in his waistcoat pocket for some convenient statistics, keeping his tongue

wagging, and his eyes upon the audience, in the mean time. He brought something from his pocket and unfolded it; but before he could get to the point where it came in, the audience had noticed that it was a greenback, and they choked the Governor off momentarily with a vigorous round of applause. The Governor caused another outburst by staring at the bill, and saying, at the first opportunity, that he didn't know where in the world he got it.

T

^HE DEAD DEMOCRAT.

One day, while Col. Plummer was travelling from Grand Forks to Fargo, Dak., a gentleman somewhat active in Indiana politics approached him with an invitation to contribute something toward building a monu- ment to Thomas A. Hendricks. The Colonel thought it an odd request to make of him, but he replied very politely, —

" Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to contribute to a monument to a dead Democrat, but I really haven't got the money."

" Don't you think it a worthy object? " inquired the gentleman.

"Certainly," responded Plummer. "When a Democratic politi- cian has the decency to die, everybody ought to chip in cheerfully. The whole party would have died long ago if it had any shame."

"I think you are pretty hard," said the solicitor. "The Demo- cratic party has outlived every other party, and it will live when you are dead, and when the Republican party is dead."

" I don't doubt it," returned Plummer. " Many good things have passed away. The glory of Jerusalem has departed : the law of Moses is no longer in force ; Washington and Lincoln are dead : but hell is still alive, and the Devil is kicking ; and until they have been destroyed, we may expect to find the Democratic party galloping around the country begging for alms."

The disgusted solicitor cast one withering glance at Plummer, and vanished in another car.

4li

piONKLING'S HEAVEN.

Roscoe Conkling recently said to a friend who asked him if be believed in a heaven, "If there is any place where politics never was, and never could be heard of, it would deserve that name."

K

EEP SOBER.

The late Joel Parker of New Jersey was an indefatigable worker in a political campaign ; and when he was nominated, he worked every day, rain or shine, from the time the convention adjourned until the election polls closed. When he was running for governor the first time, one rainy day found him at Middletown, in Monmouth County. The streets and roads were nasty ; but Joel, as every Democrat in New Jersey claimed the privilege of calling him, provided himself with a pair of rubber boots, and went about the village shaking hands with every one he met. While he was zigzagging across the muddy streets, another man, making much more eccentric angles, was approaching him, and trying to get an opportunity to have a hand-shake. Joel saw the man, understood his condition, knew his object, and for a time successfully eluded him. But, emerging from a store where he had been detained beyond the usual limit, he ran plump into the intoxicated individual, who extended his hand. Joel made an effort to grasp it ; but it was describing so many parallels and horizontals, owing to its owner's un- steady legs, that the statesman was not at first successful. He succeeded, after a few trials, in clasping the yeoman's hand, and was greeted with the remark, —

"Joel, I've known ye a good many year, but I never seed ye drunk afore. I'd ask ye to come and Lev suthin', but it might expose ye, and interfere with your election. Good-by, Joel ; but when ye come here again, come sober."

The Governor liked to tell this story to his friends, and he ended with the remark that he always kept sober when he went to Middletown after that.

47

' Uood-by, Joel; but wuen ye come heke again, come Sobek.'

"You, Emperor, send them Ships Home right away! "

JACKSON AND THE KMPKKOR.

The following may seem, and is, a very nonsensical anecdote. Those who can remember the excitement of 1832 will not consider it altogether misplaced here. It is, moreover, an illustration of " universal suffrage." JJui iii'_r Gen. Jackson's second Presidential campaign, there flourished at the Quarantine Ground, Stateu Island, an honest old fellow, a baker by trade, ami a stanch Democrat withal. One evening a political meeting was held at a small tavern which then stood on the shore road, a short distance east of the present Pavilion at New Brighton. Our good friend and several other residents at the Quarantine attended

the meeting. Among them was old Dr. H , who was a noted wag;

and it occurred to him, that, if a speech could be got out of the old baker, it would be exceedingly amusing. Accordingly he called on him for an address.

" No, no ! " said the baker. " I can make bread, but I can't make speeches."

The suggestion, however, had excited the audience, and the old man was at leugth compelled to make the effort. So, rising iu his seat, he said, —

" Feller-citizens, it is well known to you all, that, when John Quincy Adams was President, the Emperor of Brazil seized several of our ships, and wouldn't let 'em come home. So President Adams wrote him a letter, — and a very purty letter it was too ; for, to give him his due, he knew how to write, if he didn't know an}- thing else. So the Emperor he got the letter, and, after he had read it, he asked who this Adams was ; and his head men told him he was President of the United States. ' Well, well,' says the Emperor, ' he wants me to send them ships home ; but I won't do it, for it is quite plain to me that a man who can write so beautiful, don't know any thing about fighting. So the ships must stay where they are.' Well," continued the baker, "by and by Giural Jackson got to be President ; and he wrote a letter to the Emperor, and it was something like this : —

" You, Emperor, send them ships home right away!

Andrew Jackson.

"Well, the Emperor got that letter too; and after he had read it, he laughed, and said, 'This is a mighty queer letter! Who is this Jackson? 'Pears to mo I've heerd of him before.' — ' We'll tell you,' said his head men, 'who he is. He is the New Orleans Jackson.' — 'What! 'said the Emperor, 'the New Orleans Jackson ? That's quite another matter. If this man don't write so beautiful, he knows how to light; so send them ships home right away.' And it was done."

This was regarded as a very effective political speech, and was received with thunders of applause.

•18

"PRENTISS'S CLEVER RETORT.

"When S. S. Prentiss was in his glory in the State of Mississippi, during a season of high political excitement, there was a convention at Hernando. Mr. Prentiss was there, and set every thing ablaze with his burning eloquence and inimitable wit. As was usual, hundreds of ladies crowded the ground to hear him ; and when he had concluded, the welkin rang with shouts of applause. Now, there was present one Didimus Brief. Esq., an opponent, who, like the gnat in the fable, never suffered to pass unimproved an opportunity to inflict his bite on the ox's legs. He rose to reply to some of Mr. Prentiss's arguments. When Didimus had gone through his " piece," and had given it the last finishing touch of gesticulation peculiarly his own, lie sat down apparently exhausted. Mr. Prentiss meanwhile sat looking on with a peculiar twinkle in his eye, enjoying the thing hugely. At the conclusion he slowly arose, advanced to the front of the stand, intending, no doubt, to drop an admonitory hint to such thickheaded zealots, when at that moment a neighboring jackass, quartered hard by, " opened his mouth and spoke" long and loud. Mr. Prentiss turned his eyes in the direction of the new assailant, fairly gaped with astonishment, without uttering a word for a moment, and then, ere the reverberating tones of the ass had died away, he turned to the audience, and, throwing up his hand deprecat- ingly to his first opponent, exclaimed, " Ah, ladies and gentlemen, another competitor ! I can't stand it!" and sat down amid the deaf- ening shouts of the multitude. Didimus Brief, Esq., became thor- oughly disgusted with the " vulgar Whig meeting," and withdrew.

quota of postage-stamps with a dignity and promptness worthy of a more experienced legislator. At the close of the session he retired to private life, taking with him over forty dollars' worth of surplus stamps.

A few years after, J S ■ took his first letter to the post-office,

and was told by the postmaster that the stamp he had put on it was worthless, as it was one of the old kind of stamps, and the time for redeeming them had expired. " Hein ! " said John, "I fought dey vould haf last me so long vat I lives, — and I t'ink dey vill."

DOG-LAWS.— The Wisconsin Legislature was at one time noted for its " dog-laws," and a habit its members had of voting them- selves large quantities of postage-stamps. J S , a not over- intelligent but honest German, represented the Creek district in the Assembly a few years before the Rebellion, and voted for and took hi

•Hein! I t'uuuut dey yuulu has last MB SO lunu vat 1 UYKS

i\)

WORDS.

B2-

Secretary Bayard is given to the use of big words. His state papers contain words unknown to any dictionary. He is even suspected by many people of having written that celebrated message of the Presi- dent's in which the expression "in- nocuous desuetude " occurred. Be that as it may, his failing in this regard has frequently furnished his former associates in the Senate with a peg to hang a story on. Among the best stories I remember hearing is that told by "Zeb" Vance of North Carolina, to a party of friends who were discussing Bayard's peculiarities. " Do you know," said the North Carolina Senator, "what I am re- minded of whenever I read one of brother Bayard's official communica- tions to the Senate? " ••No."

"You don't? Well, I will tell you. It reminds me of the conversa- tion I once heard between two darkeys : —

" 'Julius, is you better dis morning? ' said one. " -No: I was better yesterday, but I'se got obcr dat,' replied the other.

" ' Am dere no hopes ob your discobery? ' " ' Discobery ob what ? '

" 'Your discobery from de convalescence what am fetching you on your back.'

"'Dat dcpcns. sab, altogeddab on the prognostication which implies de disease ; should dey continuate fatually, he hopes dis cullud

'AJ.L Dei'EN^

THE L'ltOGNOBTICS.'

individual won't die dis time. But, as I said afore, dat all depens on the prognostics ; and till dese come to a head, dere am no telling wedder dis pusson will come to a discontinuation or odderwise.' "

DIE THEN.

TTE DIDN'T

Mr. Clay, who was a lifelong victim to sore disease, was at the same time subject to great depression of spirits, at which times he was in hourly expectation of death. Imperious in his friendship as in his disdain, he would require the attendance of his friends at his bedside, that they might see him breathe his last. On one of these occasions his servants went flying through the town bearing messages to various persons for whom he felt esteem, desiring them to hasten to him immediately if they would see him die. Most of them were dressed or dressing for parties, but, obedient to the mandate, came in hot haste to his lodgings. The emaciated invalid, apparently at the last pulse, surveyed his guests, and saw officers of both arms of the service in full uniform, and a group of gentlemen, old and young, in full evening dress. Scanning them narrowly, he asked in a faint, husky whisper, "Are there any but Virginians here? " Some one answering, " No," he said, "Turn the key in the door ; I wish none but my compatriots to see me die. Gentlemen," he continued, "I want you to promise me, that, as soon as the breath leaves my body, yon will carry me across the Potomac into the old Dominion. Bury me like a gentleman, at my own expense. and not like pauper Dawson," a member of Congress who had died a few days before, and had been buried, after Congressional usage, at the public cost. The excitement attendant upon the delivery of these remarks seemed to give him strength, and he proceeded, "I find that I have a few minutes more to live, and 1 should like to spend them in asking you some questions." Addressing an officer of the army who

stood near him, " Col. T , where were you educated? " — " At Yale

College, sir." — " At Yale College ! "' he repeated in contemptuous tones.

00

■■ among the Yankees? Was your father such a fool, sir that the Yankees could teach a gentleman any thing?' another, he said, " And where were you educated, Mr. P- South Carolina College, sir." — "In South Carolina ! "

as to suppose Turning to

?" — " At

and then, with

increasing warmth and deepening scorn, " and your father sent you to the State which produced John C. Calhoun, and that for an education? " As he continued his questioning, he found that every man present had been educated out of Virginia, and at last became so furious, that, springing from his bed, he determined not to die at that time, and so dismissed those who had come to be mourners at a funeral. — S. G. Goodrich.

T30B TOOMBS'S FAITH IN STEPHENS.

Here is a Bob Toombs story : There was a Democratic caucus one night when he was on top of the heap here ; but, having been intoxicated with the exuberance of his own verbosity or something else, he was unable to stay till the end. After he had left, the debate ran along without result till the two sides agreed that Campbell of Ohio should draw up a proposition such as his side could support, and that Alexander Stephens should draw up a proposition such as his side could support, and that then they should leave it to Toombs to say which should be adopted as the caucus resolution. So Campbell wrote out his statement, and Stephens wrote out his, and the next morning the secretary of the caucus carried both to Toombs. Toombs was not quite ready for business yet : so when the secretary told him that the caucus had deter- mined to leave the decision of the matter to him, and was about to read the conflicting statements to him, he said, —

" Who did you say wrote these statements? "

"Mr. Campbell, sir, wrote one," said the secretary, "and Mr. Stephens the other."

"Well," said Toombs, "never mind reading them. I'll sign Stephens's^ He never commits anybody to any tiling."

^^ HATH AM AND HOLLAND.

Mr. Pitt, the first Lord Chatham, when in the House of Commons, speaking one day very much in favor of a particular bill, concluded with saying that he thought so highly of it in all its points, that he should not desire any other epitaph on his tombstone than to be remembered as the author of this bill.

Lord Holland, then Mr. Fox. speaking in reply, began by observ- ing, that, though he had screwed up his mind to the utmost pitch of at- tention, in order to catch what fell from so exalted a character, in aid of his understanding, yet he was free to confess lie could bring no single ray of conviction to his mind in favor of it. " As to what the hon- orable gentleman says about requir- ing no other epitaph but that of being the author of this bill, I should be much amazed at it, did I not know from long experience that great men are sometimes the least fitted to

decide upon their own characters ; and, indeed, I have now a case which occurs to my recollection, and which is in point to what I have asserted : it is the case of that celebrated musician Corelli. Although this great composer had previously established his fame in a number of beautiful compositions, yet when he was dying, so prejudiced was he to one particular trifle, the eccentric offspring of a fanciful moment, that he said lie desired no other mention of his musical talents to be engraven

on his tomb than

" 'Here lies the author of Oorelli's Jig.' "

— Percy's Anecdotes.

■ Corblx.i's Jig.

51

Unlocking Executive-Session Secrets.

TTNLOCKING EXECUTIVE-SESSION SECRETS.

Senator Fi:vk. in relating how newspaper correspondents some- times get the secrets from executive sessions of the Senate, said, "One of the smartest tricks I ever heard of by which an executive- session secret was pulled out of a Senator was perpetrated by Major Clark, the well-known correspondent. I had only been in the Senate a short time, having come over from the House, when the nomi- nation of Stanley Matthews for a place on the bench of the Supreme Court came up. It will be remembered that the consideration was prolonged, and there was a good deal of conjecturing as to how certain Senators stood on the subject. I was recorded on both sides. Finally,

after a long session one day, we disposed of the case, and Matthews was confirmed. As I emerged from the door of the Senate Chamber, I met Major Clark, who came up to me in a careless sort of way, and said, 'Well, Frye, I see you voted for Matthews, after all.' "Without thinking what I was saying, I shouted back the reply in a passion, 'I didn't do any such thing.' — 'Oh, that's all right,' replied Clark, and he went away, having procured all the information he wanted."

H

OAV WEBSTER SCARED CAPT. BASSETT.

Senator Gorman used to be a page, and Capt. Bassett (the venerable doorkeeper of the Senate) said, "Many a time I have pulled his ears when he needed stirring up. He speaks of it once in a while, and recalls those old times very pleasantly."

" Did Webster ever pull your ears? " was asked.

" No, but he frightened me onee, and made me angry. It was a bad, rainy night, and he called me to him just before time for the Seuate to adjourn, and told me to go and get a carriage for him ; but when I went out, I could not find one on the stand. I ran back, and told him they were all gone. I never shall forget the look he gave me. He took me by both shoulders, scowled at me, and said in his severest voice, ' Go, — and — get — a — carriage ! ' I was chagrined and angry. They were the first harsh words he had ever addressed to me. I started off, and walked about the town, finding no carriage : and finally I went home. I told my father what had happened, and I refused to go to the Senate next day. My father saw Mr. Webster, who explained, in his rough way, that he only did it for my good: he wanted to teach me to do whatever I tried to do. I slyed back to my duties, but I sat no me ire on Mr. Webster's knee. The days of candy and coaxing were over. There was no familiarity between us after that : but I treated him with rather distant deference, and tried to do as I was fold."

fK2

" -PRICES

HAD RIZ."

Dubing the "purchasing season" in the famous contest of 1877 for governor and the control of Louisiana, many funny incidents happened. One night the Nichols people secured four colored gentle- men from the Packard Legislature, and had them at a private house, where they were trying to induce them to go to the Nichols Senate, and thus destroy the Packard government. One of the brethren demanded several thousand dollars for the change. The gentleman engaged in the purchase, a man of great wealth, and former owner of the gigantic black man (now a man of affairs), who was lounging on a bed in the room, smoking a cigar, said, " Mercy, what a price ! Don't you Know that before the war I could have bought six men like you for this sum ?

» Ah, yes, that's so," replied the newly made citizen and legislator. blowing the smoke in a cloud from his mouth, "that's so; but then, the kind you mention were field hands. Times have changed. We are Senators, and charged with grave responsibilities. And, besides, it looks like the last chance for a ' divy ' in this State for the colored man. Ah, Colonel, we comes high, but you must have us." And he got his price.

"DEING ASTONISHED.

Immediately after a division of the House of Commons, on a motion of Mr. Fox, Sir George Young, who had been absent the whole day, came clown to the House very full of grape. Whether it was to make amends for having played the truant, or whatever other motive, is doubtful ; but nothing could prevent him from attempting to speak on the honorable member's second motion: but beginning with "I am astonished," he could proceed no farther. The House, however, did not discover the baronet until he had repeated the word "astonished" seven times at least ; to which, adding three or four more repetitions,

the House was in a roar of laughter. The baronet appealed to the Speaker, who pleasantly asked what he would have him do? The honorable member grew warm at this, and declared that he would not give up the word, "for," said he, "I am really astonished, Mr. Speaker ; " and was proceeding, until, finding the laughter of the House too strong for his obstinacy, he was induced by the advice of his friends, after having mentioned the word " astonished " a dozen times, to change it for "surprised;" by which time, having entirely forgotten what he intended to say, he sat down.

•1 AM HEALLV A3TON1SHJSD, M"- Sl'EAKEU.'

S3

"PORROWING

BuRRowiMi Campaign Thunder.

CAMPAIGN THUNDER.

Some good stories came out of a discussion of this point ; i.e., that public speaking in campaigns must of necessity employ the same line of argument, if not the same language, at times. One story was of Senator Hoar. He was speaking in one of the Butler campaigns. In beginning his address one night, he had made an allusion to the American flag, the pleasure of seeing it in foreign countries, and what a disgrace it would I*.- to have its promises of truth belied by the greenback. The period was happily received, and, after being carefully developed, was used once or more in public speeches, being reported, naturally, verbatim

in some of the newspapers. One night the Senator went down into Norfolk County, intending to use the flag paragraph as a peroration once more. He was introduced by a lively young man, one who made several complimentary allusions to what he had done in public life and for the party. Finally he came to the close. ' ' Senator Hoar, who only the other night said so eloquently, as you will remember," — and then the lively young man recited verbatim and entire Mr. Hoar's peroration, making the point on the American flag.

Gov. Long had a little bit of just such experience in the Garfield campaign. The Governor had one pet section of his speech, which he had wrought out with care and patience, and which had been very happily greeted, on the whole. He had employed it on two or three occasions, notably at Augusta, when Frye, Hawley, Burrows of Michi- gan, and others were present. Later he had an invitation to go to Michigan to speak at Kalamazoo, Mr. Burrows's home. The invitation was accepted, and the speech was made, being very cordially and enthu- siastically received. Mr. Burrows was absent, speaking in some other town. When the meeting was over, one of the audience stepped up to Gov. Long, and, after congratulating him on his effort, said, —

" If it isn't too impertinent, may I ask if you ever used that pero- ration before ? ' '

" Yes, once or twice : perhaps more."

" Did you ever use it where Mr. Burrows was present?"

"Yes: why?"

" Well, he does not give it nearly so well as you do."

Judge Devens and Judge Aldrich went stumping together in the early Free Soil days, and of one of their adventures a good story is told. They spoke at Clinton one night. Neither of them was a judge then, solemn and dignified, portly. They were active, energetic, alive with interest in the struggle of the day. The day after the Clinton meeting, Judge Devens was found enthusiastic.

"Good meeting; line meeting," said he; •' plenty of enthusiasm. I was pretty well received, if 1 do say it. 1 had one description which seeenid to please them."

54

Theu lie went on to tell how be had compared the rise of the new party to Venus coming from the sea. The turbulent storm of the old parties was clearing up, and from the toil and turmoil was arising this beautiful new creature.

The next day Judge Devens came out of the meeting disappointed, perturbed. " What is the trouble? " asked some one.

" Trouble? I should say so. We went in there and sat down, and that rascal Aldrich went coolly to the front, and raised my Venus from the sea ! "

WHEN FORT DONELSON FELL. — The Tennessee Legis- lature was in session when Fort Donelson fell, leaving the Federals free to occupy Nashville. Hearing a great stir in the governor's office below, a committee was sent to see what was going on. They found his Excellency packing up preparatory to leaving. He handed the committee a despatch announcing the fall. When the committee returned, Mr. W. was in the chair, and just on the point of adjourning. Addressing the House, he said, "And now, gentlemen, God will take care of us ; and if we do not meet again here, we shall meet in heaven."

A member from East Tennessee, who had been dozing off the effects of the fluid to which he was addicted, hearing the last words of the Speaker's remarks, roused up, and delivered himself thus: "Stop, Mr. Chairman ! don't adjourn us to that place. If you do, we shall never get a quorum."

Next day the same member, while in the cars waiting for departure, called out to the governor as he was passing through, " Look here, gov- ernor, are we running, or are we falling back for a firmer standi "

The same individual, seeing John Bell, the candidate of " the Union, the Constitution, and the enforcement of the Laws," the day after he succumbed to rebelism, began to stare at him. Bell asked why he was thus gazed at. "Well," replied our friend, " I was looking at the last of ' the Union, Constitution, and enforcement of the Laws ! ' "

N

OTHING BUT MINNOWS.

A Cincinnatian tells of a prominent and promising young member of the Kentucky Legislature from the Green River country, who, though small in stature, was considered a great beau, and quite an acquisition to Frankfort society. One afternoon, while out for a walk, he was passing one of the old residences, when two of the young ladies stepped to the window to get a look at him. On being asked by their mother the cause

of their excitement, they answered, "Why, Mr. is considered the

great catch from Green River."

The mother innocently asked, " Does Green River produce nothing but minnows ? "

'Dues Ukekn Kiveu phobucs nutihnu blt M.1MMOWS?

50

1 WllEBE AUE YOU GOING, MV TltETTV MaIII."'

TDECAST FOR THIS CAMPAIGN.

Chatwcey Depew, while out for a walk, Met Nomination, and stopped for a talk.

" Where arc you going, my pretty maid ? " "I haven't decided, sir," she said.

" May I assist you, my pretty maid ? " "You may if you like, kind sir," she said.

" What is your chance of election, my maid? " " Not very good, I fear," she said.

" Then I won't have you, my pretty maid." " Nobody asked you, sir," she said.

ATATURALIZATION SCENES.

The scenes witnessed in the New York courts just prior to the annual elections, when the rush to obtain the rights of citizenship is at its height, are often ludicrous. In the Common Pleas, for instance, au Irishman, accompanied by a witness as to character, approached Judge Brady, when the following colloquy occurred : —

Judge. " You know this individual? "

Witness. " Av coorse I do."

Judge. " Is he a man of good moral character ? "

Witness. "Well, your Honor, he rades the Boible, he plays on the feddle, he doesn't whip the ould woman, and now and then he takes a dhrop of whusky. Will that suit? "

The Judge arrived at the conclusion that it would not suit, declined to place his initials in the corner of the blank, and the twain quitted the presence.

Later a pair on the same errand entered Judge Daly's court.

Judge. " You know this person? "

Witness. "Y-a-a-s."

Judge. " Is his character good? "

Witness. " Mein Gott, Chudge ! of gourse it is : he's a paAw."

Further examination tending to corroborate this high standard of respectability, the Teuton stalked out, a citizen of the republic as well as a baker.

50

J

ONES PAYS THE FREIGHT.

One of the most memorable phrases ever imported into polities was that current in the campaign of 1884, — "Jones pays the freight." It arose in this way : Mr. Jones, a wealthy Democrat and a generous contributor of the "sinews of war," was a scale-maker, and all his billheads contained the notice to his customers that he defrayed the expenses of carriage in these words: " Jones pays the freight."

T

HE ODD MAN.

"When Gen. Sewell was elected to the United States Senate, a few years ago, it was by the bare majority of one vote in the joint caucus. There is a little bit of history attached which is not much known. Among the members of the Assembly was a gentleman from a rural district in South Jersey. The contest was sharp between Sewell, Secor Robeson, and George A. Halsey. Twenty-five votes were required, and the best count that Sewell could make for himself was twenty-four. Even in making this estimate, he was compelled to take chances on two members who were non-committal, one of whom was the rural South Jersey man. On the Monday before the Tuesday evening on which the caucus was held, the South Jersey man was so persistently besieged, as were other members not fully committed, that it was deemed advisable by the Sewell interest to run him out of town. A guide was chosen, and the rural member was quietly taken to Philadelphia, where he was kept busy seeing the sights, and away from the suggestive influences at Trenton, untrl late on Tuesday afternoon. Upon his return, however, he was immediately besieged by the Sewell, Robeson, and Halsey men, until his arm ached and his head rang.

At last one shrewder politician than the others wanted to see the rural member in the privacy of a third-story room in a well-known hotel.

Two minutes later five gentlemen wanted to see him in the same place. He conferred with his guide to Philadelphia, and at his instance granted the solicitors five minutes each, and one at a time. The interviews were had, and the rural member emerged from the room. A moment later his arm was taken by the guide, and they went in company at once to the State House, with a delegation of friends of the candidates at their heels. The caucus was about assembling when the South Jersey man went inside the Assembly chamber, and the only man who had his promise to vote for Sewell was the one who released him at the door. He went to Trenton with a clean record, and came away with his good name unsullied ; but he still remarks now and then, " I'll never get over how one man offered me fifteen hundred dollars to vote for a candidate, when he ought to have known that his price for my vote was three thousand dollars."

THE Odd Man.

D7

~^0T IN BY ONE.

G

In the Massachusetts election of 1839, Edward Everett, who had been governor of the State since 1835, and had administered the govern- ment with great success, was defeated by a single vote : Marcus Morton, a judge of the Supreme Court, and who had been the standing Demo- cratic candidate for many years, without any seeming prospect of success, being chosen in his place. It is an interesting fact, that such is the respect for the ballot, that, among a hundred thousand votes, a majority of one was submitted to without question or opposition. A good anecdote is connected with this incident. Gov. Morton with his party had opposed the encouragement of railroads by the use of the State credit. Never- theless, while he was gov- ernor, the branch railroad running through his own town, Taunton, to the thriv- ing and enterprising town of New Bedford, was completed. This event was to be celebrated by a jubilee at the latter place, and the Governor was invited to be present. The ceremonies were to commence at twelve o'clock, but at that hour his Excellency had not arrived. The whole proceedings were delayed and embarrassed, until, just as the clock was striking one, the Governor appeared. .1. II. Clifford, the witty and eloquent Stale's

" Governor BIorton, wuu always qbts in by One

attorney, so universally known for his admirable management of the trial of Dr. Webster, the murderer of Parkman, and afterward himself governor of the State, immediately rose and offered the following sentiment: " Governor Morton, ivlw always yets in by one!"

It is needless to say that the sentiment, as well as the Governor, was hailed with acclamation.

/miEAF LODGINGS.

During a contest at Albany for the United States Senatorship. the gathering at that capital of so numerous an assemblage of politi- cians made bed and board matters of solicitude, and prices " ruled high." But Albany figures are east in the shade by those de- manded by keepers of public and private citizens during a senatorial contest at Carson City. Xev.. where the rates charged for lodgings were, accord- ing to *■ The Virginia En- terprise," "For a bed in a house, barn, blacksmith's shop, hay-yard (none to bo had, all having been engaged shortly before election), or horse- blanket in old sugar hogshead, per night, $10; crockery crate with straw, $7.50, without straw, §5.75; for cellar door, 81; for roosting on a smooth pole, 8.'!. 5(1 ; pole, common rough, 83 ; plaza fence, $3.50 ; walking up and down the Warm Spring Road, if cloudy, 81. -~>0, if clear, 11.25 ; roosting-places in pine-trees back of Camp Nye, 6 bits."

c

10RWIN'S COLOR.

Coewix's humor and sarcasm were of too delicate and subtle a nature to permit of their transfer to paper with much effect. His wit was spontaneous and un- premeditated, but wonder- fully telling. When the abolition excitement was at its height, lie was invited to address a public meeting at Covington, opposite Cin- cinnati. It was apprehend- ed that the ultra -slavery men might interrupt him, so he determined to propi- tiate them by an anecdote. ••Fellow-citizens," said he, ■•it is quite possible that some of you may suppose that my sympathies are with the negroes to such an extent that I would be glad to see them prosper at the expense of the superior race. I don't propose to refute this notion by argu- ment or assertion, but I will give my bit of experience in relation to the blacks, from which you will lie able to infer what my feelings toward them are likely to be. When I was quite a young man, I went down the river to New Orleans on a flat-boat. I remained in that rather lively city for a couple of weeks, seeing what was worth looking at, until, my money being about spent, I bethought myself of

returning. But one thing I had not seen, which I was told was one of the inimitable sights of the place. I must go to a quadroon ball. So, dressed in my best clothes, I called for a ticket to the ball, and was repulsed with the declaration, ' Colored folk not admitted.' '

Corwin was quite as dark as a quadroon. — Recollections of an

Stager.

Old

H

E GOT CLEAR.

Colored Folk not admitted.1

Yes, sah. We quite agree with you, sah, that there is a sort of delicious frankness, sah, about the following that will be ap- preciated beyond the bounds of West Virginia : —

Some five or six years ago, when the Greenback party held at least some strength in the West and South, one of their Colum- bian orators delivered an address for his party at Wiufield, Putnam County, W. Va. When in the ze- nith of his oration, he was stopped by a powerful voice among the listeners.

" Look here, sah. May I ask you a question, sah? " "Yes, sah, you may, sah."

" Well, sah, I want to know, sah, if you are not the man, sah, that I had down here in jail, sah, for hog-stealing, sah? "

" Yes, sah, I am, sah," came the response ; " but I got clar, sah.

Hm, Eaton

A

S ANDREW JACKSON DID.

President Cleveland is averse to the kissing of babies, and he avoids it whenever he possibly can at his noonday receptions. Now and then he has to succumb, however ; and lie would perhaps add to his popularity with his Cabinet if he would do as Andrew Jackson did,— delegate the kissing to them. Jackson, on one of his tours-, was handed a dirty-faced baby by a very proud mother. Secretary-of-War Eaton was standing beside him at the time. Jackson held the baby up, and said, --Here is a beautiful specimen of young American childhood. Note the brightness of that eye, the Blrength of these limbs, and the sweetness of these lips." Here he pushed the baby into the face of Gen. Katon, and said, without a word of warning, " Kiss him, Eaton." And, of course, Katon bad to do so.

"I-

KISS FOR THE NATION."

Gen. Sherman's kisses have been almost national in their reputa- tion ; and he might answer as did Buchanan at one time, when some youth offered to relieve him of this feature of his Presidential popularity. Buchanan waved the young man aside, and said, "I kiss for the nation." It is the same with the jolly General, though it is said that his short wiry mustache sometimes scratches the lips of the tender maidens. He says pretty girls are God's most perfect handiwork, and that he is never ashamed to express his admiration for them. One day in Wash- ington, a friend of his said, on meeting him, "O General! I have a beautiful girl here whom 1 want to present to you, and I know you will like her, for she is very nice. She will be glad to see you, and I want you to kiss her." To this the General replied that he was always glad to meet pretty girls, and always glad to oblige a friend. The lady then asked him to wait, and she would bring the young lady to him. A moment later she returned with her little one-year-old baby girl in the arms of its nurse, and the two were formally introduced. Gen. Sherman was surprised at the size of the young lady ; but he leaned over, and put a rousing smack on its rosebud of a mouth. The girls are quite as friendly to Gen. Sherman as he is to them, and she would be foolish indeed who would refuse a kiss from the General.

"W1

II I, E THE GIRLS TITTERED.

mi

'■Once upon a time," said Senator Clingman, " Mr. Rives, editor of 'The Globe,' entertained Mr. Clay at his country seat. At Mr. Eives's house there was a bevy of pretty girls, and Clay, as usual, got all the kisses, while we young men stood back with hearts that yearned and mouths that watered. At last I said, ' Senator Clay. I have long thought that you were overburdened with your public duties, and, as your friend, I don't want, to see you overtax yourself, There are a few things in

which I can help you. I would not attempt to make your speeches, but I really think that I could do the kissing for you, as far as the younger generation is concerned ; and I assure you, if you will turn this over to me, I will put my soul into my lips, and will take pleasure in the work.'

"Mr. Clay drew himself up to his full height, while the girls tittered, and said with a grandiloquent air, ' I thank you, Mr. Clingman ; hut I am perfectly able to attend to my duties, private as well as public' "

FOR THE YOUNG GIRL.

TpMBARRASSIXG

James G- Blaine, as a rule, confines his kisses to babies ; but he is the most affectionate hand-shaker in seventeen States, and numerous curious instances occur during his trips throughout the United States which evidence the admiration of women for him. At Bellaire, during the campaign of 1880, he made a stirring speech which called twenty-five thousand people from the surrounding country. The West Virginia girls came over in squads, and each one of them was bound to shake hands with Blaine. They besieged him at the little country hotel where he stopped, and pushed their way into his room, where he was decidedly en deshabille. After the meeting was over, they hung around the train ; and he reached his arm out of the window, and shook hands with them as they stood upon the platform. Now, Blaine has a way of squeezing and holding on to your hand while he talks to you. He had just grasped the soft, plump fingers of a sweet sixteen-year-old girl when some friend engaged him in conversation inside the car. He evidently forgot all about the girl, and supposed he was holding the hand of the man he was talking to. It may be, the touch was soft and soothing. At least, he held on, pressing it in emphasis of each kind word he gave to his friend, until the young girl's lover, whose face had grown blacker and blacker :is he saw Blaine evidently flirting with his girl, came up and pulled Blaine's sleeve, and made him let go. In the mean time the crowd had begun to laugli, and it was very embarrassing for the young girl

Sure OF A Welcome.

OF A WELCOME.

QURE

Judge Lamar is reported as telling the following story of his ex- perience at a political meeting in his own State, soon after the war. He was one of the speakers, and, alluding to the civil'war, suggested as a parallel case the parable of the prodigal son, and the joyful reception at his home when the naughty boy returned. He was succeeded by a neo-ro, a Republican, who, after some general remarks, paid his respects to Lamar's parallel. " Forgiben ! " said he. » Dey forgiben - dem brigadiers? Why, dey'se come walkin' into de house, an' bang de do , an' go up to de ol' man an' say, ' Whar dat veal.-" '

01

"I MAKES A MlSDAKE IN UK DlCKBT."

- T MAKES A MISDAKE IN DE PICKET.''

Apropos of the coming elections, the following is capital, and will be especially relished by gentlemen who have been unsuccessful in their aspirations for office : —

In one of the towns of Pennsylvania the freemen had for many years deposited their votes solidly for the Democratic candidates. Such a thing as a Whig or Republican was unknown ; anil, prior to the Grant and Seymour campaign, no local Republican ticket had ever been run. At that time, however, the politicians of an adjacent township thought it an opportune occasion to attempt the establishment in that town of a Republican organization. To this end, they persuaded a certain Mr. Green, who had recently settled there, i<> become their

candidate for some minor office, hoping to procure for him a few votes under the popularity of the great name of Grant, and thus to get an entering wedge in the local affairs of the township.

The day of election arrived, but Mr. Green was unable to get to the polls by reason of sickness. In clue time the returns were published, and Mr. Green had just one vote. Chagrined at this, and annoyed by the accusation that he had voted for himself, he announced, that if the person who had voted for him would come forward, and make affidavit to the fact, he would reward him with a good suit of clothes. A few mornings afterward, a burly, stupid-looking Pennsylvania Dutchman called upon Mr. Green, and abruptly remarked, "I vants dat suit of does."

"Ah!" said Mr. Green, "then you are the man who voted for me?"

" Yah, I'm dat man."

"Are you willing to make an affidavit of it?"

" Yah, I swear to 'em."

Mr. Green, accompanied by the intelligent voter, went to the office of the justice of the peace ; and the required affidavit was made, after which the clothes were purchased, and given to the deponent.

So delighted was Mr. Green to be relieved from the unpleasantness of his situation, and so glad to learn that there was another righteous man in the township, that he had taken the Dutchman's Republicanism as a matter of course. However, at parting he said, " Now. un- friend, you have your suit of clothes. Just answer me one question : How came you to vote for me? "

" You vants to know dat? "

"Yes."

" And you von't go back on de does?"

" No."

" Veil," said he slowly, and with a sly twinkle of the eye. "den I tole you : / makes a misdake in de dicket."

Wasn't that consolatory ! Mr. ( i reen avowed his unalterable deter- mination never again to appeal to popular suffrage for public position.

IH

A,

SINE QUA NON.

If any of my readers were ever fortunate enough to hear Mr. Clay tell the following story, they can never forget the inimitable grace and humor with which it was done. "While I was abroad, laboring to arrange the terms of the Treaty of Ghent, there appeared a report of the negotiations, or letters relative thereto ; and several quotations from my remarks or letters, touching certain stipulations in the treaty, reached Kentucky, and were read by my constituents. Among them was an old fellow who went by the nickname of ' Old Sandusky.' He was reading one of these letters one evening at a near resort, to a small collection of the neighbors. As he read on, he came across the sentence, ' This must be deemed a sine qud non.' — 'What's a sine qud non?' said a half- dozen bystanders. ' Old Sandusky ' was a little bothered at first, but his good sense and natural shrewdness were fully equal to a mastery of the Latin. 'Sine — qua — non?' said 'Old Sandusky,' repeating the question very slowly, ' why, sine qua non is three islands in Passama- quoddy Bay, and Harry Clay is the last man to give them up. No sine qua non, no treat}', he says ; and he'll stick to it ! ' " You should have seen the laughing eye, the change in the speaker's voice and manner, to understand the electric effect the story had upon his hearers. — S. G. Goodrich.

T^IDX'T POLISH THE HEELS.

One Sunday morning, when the late Cornelius Walsh was the Republican candidate for governor, he went into the reading-room of the Union Hotel at Freehold, and polished his boots. Going out on the portico, he met the Hon. George W. Patterson, who has done more to turn Monmouth County politics topsy-turvy than any other citizen of that historic freehold. George looked at Mr. Walsh, and then at his boots. After running the candidate over two or three times, from head to foot, he stepped up to him, and said, —

"Mr. Walsh, I'm afraid you will never be governor of New Jersey."

"Why so?" inquired Walsh.

"Because you shine the toes, but don't polish the heels of your boots."

Mr. Walsh was indignant at this impertinence, and exclaimed,

" Go to ! " But he suddenly bethought himself, and George was

out of Sunday-morning hearing before he could recall the new trans- lation. Mr. Walsh repolished his boots ; but it was too late, and he was defeated at the election by Joel Parker.

Didn't roLlsu the Ubkls

IKi

A Great Talker.

A-

GREAT TALKER.

John C. Breckinridge, Vice-President of the United States, was a nephew of the Rev. Kobert J. Breckinridge, D.D., of Kentucky. The reverend uncle of the Vice-President was a great controversialist, a splendid debater, and, if he had followed the law instead of the gospel, would have led Senates as he led the Church. So much was the said uncle given to discussion, that he would have been a lighting parson if he had not been a praying one.

It. so happened a few years ago that the uncle and the nephew were candidates for office — not the same office — in the same district, at the

same time. The doctor was up for the convention to amend the Consti- tution, and John C. was running for the Legislature. They were can- didates of opposite parties, and were therefore in danger of coming into collision. One day they were on the stump together, and the rever- end doctor took occasion to deprecate all feelings of hostility between himself and his nephew, who, he said, was always successful, whatever office he sought ; and, mentioning several instances in illustration, he added: "And during the war with Mexico, a regiment was raised in Kentucky ; and as soon as it was known that Mr. Breckinridge was appointed to its command, the Mexicans made peace."

Young Breckinridge did not wait for his turn, but exclaimed at once: "If uncle Robert had been appointed, they would have been fighting till this time."

s

EVEN YEARS FOR REBEKAH.

"In the palmy days of Democracy in California," says a member of the Convention which met at Sacramento, and which nominated M. S. Latham for its candidate as governor, " the greater lights at the altar of Democracy desiring to shine on that occasion were John B. 'Weller and M. S. Latham ; among the lesser lights was William L. Dudley. The latter was from Calaveras County. Feeling that his individual chances for the nomination were very slim, he intimated a desire to withdraw his name from the consideration of the convention. So. when his name was mentioned, calls for ' Bill Dudley ' arose in the old Benton Church ; and Bill went upon the pulpit stand, and withdrew from the contest with thanks, etc., appropriately expressed, and closed as follows : 'I have served the Democracy of old Calaveras faithfully for seven years, and received my Leah. 1 am willing to serve the Democracy of California seven years longer for my Rebekah .' ' Such a reference to Scripture knowledge had never before eoine from the pulpit of Benton Church, and never will again. The convention roared for a while."

CA

Madison and the Barber.

THE BARBER.

"A/TADISON AND

A very keen observer then, and long afterward a Senator of the United States, once told me that at one period all the barbers of Washington were Federalists ; and he imputed it to the fact that the leaders of that party in Congress wore powder and long queues, and of course had them dressed every day by the barber. The Democrats, on the contrary, wore short hair, or at least small queues tied up carelessly with a ribbon, and therefore gave little encouragement to the tonsorial art. One day, as the narrator told me, while he was being shaved by the leading barber of the city, — who was, of course, a Feder- alist, — the latter suddenly and vehemently burst out against the Domina-

tion of Madison for the Presidency by the Democratic party, which had that morning been announced.

" Dear me! ". said the barber, "surely this country is doomed to disgrace and shame. What Presidents we might have, sir ! Just look at Daggett of Connecticut, and Stockton of New Jersey ! What queues they have got, sir ! — as big as your wrist, and powdered every day, sir, like real gentlemen, as they are. Such men, sir, would confer dignity upon the chief magistracy. But this little Jim Madison, with a queue no bigger than a pipe-stem ! Sir, it is enough to make a man forswear his country ! " — ll7. H. Milburn.

TT7TJBSTER AND THE ROMAN CONSULS.

Mr. Webster was in President Harrison's Cabinet. Harrison never forgot his Plutarch. This his inaugural showed. It was full of classic allusions. Mr. Webster was to dine with Mr. and Mrs. Seaton ; but as he was to see President Harrison by appointment, and talk over his inaugural, he begged Mrs. Seaton not to delay dinner on his account, though he would come as near the hour as possible. He was nearly an hour late, and appeared quite fatigued when he entered. In his slow and dry way he told of his interview with the President-elect, and spoke of the number of allusions which the inaugural contained to the heroes commemorated by Plutarch. "I found the President very tenacious, madam," said Mr. Webster, addressing Mrs. Seaton.

"You labored very hard, no doubt," replied the lady, "to have the inaugural all that is expected, I know ; for you appear very much fatigued."

" Fatigued, madam ! " rejoined Mr. Webster, looking from beneath his massive front, and assuming a serious tone. " Well I may be, for I have killed a dozen Roman consuls during the afternoon." — »S. 5. Co.v.

"The Eternal (jineral of the State of Ohio.'

^HE

ETERNAL GENERAL.

In a certain political campaign Judge A was candidate for

attorney-general of Ohio. He was to address1 a public meeting. To the chair a very respectable old gentleman had been called, who was unfortunately quite hard of hearing. When the Judge came on the ground, he was conducted to the platform by a friend, and introduced to the president of the meeting as the candidate for attorney-general of the State. The chairman shook hands with the Judge, and, turning to the audience, shouted at the top of his cracked voice, —

•• Ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor to introduce Judge H

of Cincinnati, the eternal gineral of the State of Ohio."

The audience was highly amused at the natural mistake of the deaf old gentleman ; but the best of the joke was, that the judge lost his election, and so came far short of fulfilling the extensive term of office predicted by the venerable chairman.

P

OLITICAL REPARTEE.

The old debates in " The Weekly Globe " show much careful talk about defaulters, surplus revenues, specie circulars, public lands. deposits, territories, pre-emptions, banks, embargoes, Indians, tariffs, treasury-notes, and other matters of a material nature ; but they did not draw the regular flash of wit or the humorous rattle of the parliamentary minute-men, like the era of fun which really begins with 1840. It was the year of "Tip and Ty," and the broad nonsense of that time. It opened with Corwin's reply to Crarey ; and this refrain, quoted in the House by Tuplett of Kentucky, echoed the popular noise : —

" No Prices, or Swartwouts, or such deceivers, Shall lie appointed cash receivers; And no man who is given to grabbin' Shall ever enter this log cabin."

Every thing seemed to run to doggerel during that wild and wonderful exercise of lung and fun. Words were strained for rhyming and rol- licking. "Full of pizeu " rhymed with Frelinghuysen ; as "bust his biler," four years before, had rhymed with "Tip and Tyler."

An Indiana member held that Tyler was right in putting only such honest men in oflice as gave support to his administration, if such could be found. This same member, remarking that Webster was in Tyler's Cabinet, and Tyler had become a Democrat, said, "It was like grafting a crab-apple on an orange-tree." All allusions to the recruits and the auction, which made the Tyler administration a subject of un- deserved ridicule in 1842, were received with unexampled peals. The House then laughed at every thing. Gov. Pickens, in appealing for the

(iC

Constitution and the rights of South Carolina even, was received with roars. The "constitutional fact," thrown out in debate by the Tyler champion, Caleb dishing, provoked roars. The word "accident," or •• Captain Tyler," was a further provocation to renew the roars. Even ex-President Johnson called a Tyler Democrat an amphibious politician, and there were roars. Another champion, Proffit of Indiana, whose name itself in this connection provoked roars, cried out, " Butt your brains against the substantial fact that Tyler is President — your brains, if you have any." More roars! "What! keep me still? Keep Daniel Webster still? Bray away at him, like wolves at the moon ! " — 5. S. Cox.

TDRAGG'S RETORT.

personal appearance and manners ; tall, and stooping a little in his walk ; deliberate in his movements and speech, indicating circumspection, which was one of his characteristics. His countenance was pale and thought- ful, his eye remarkable for a keen, penetrating expression. Though a man of grave general aspect, he was not destitute of humor. He was

Gen. Bragg entered a street-car in Washington the day after his appointment as Minister of Mexico, looking much the worse for wear, with his eye in a sling, and an air of dejection on his countenance. A fellow-passenger began to whisper to the occupants of the car that Bragg, the new minister to the land of the Aztecs, was among them. Finally the General turned to the gossipy individual, glared at him with his one available eye, and snarled, " Look a devilish sight like a minister, don't I?" A roar of laughter followed the question, and conversation became general at once. Bragg has great social adaptability.

A-

BLUE-LIGHT DEMOCRAT.

Roger Minot Sherman, nephew of the celebrated Roger Sherman, was a native of Woburn, Mass., and born in 1773. He established himself as a lawyer at Fairfield, Conn., and rose to the first rank of his profession. He was distinguished for acute logical powers and great elegance of diction, words and sentences seeming to flow from his lips as if he were reading from " The Spectator." He was a man of refined

"I AM FROM THE liLUE-LlliUT STATE UF CONNECTICUT."

once travelling in Western Virginia, and, stopping at a small tavern, was beset with questions by the landlord, as to where he came from, whither he was going, etc. At last said Mr. Sherman, " Sit clown, sir, and I will tell you all about it." The landlord sat down. " Sir," said he, "I am from the Blue-Light State of Connecticut." The landlord stared. "I am deacon in a Calvinistic church." The landlord was evidently shocked. " I was a member of the Hartford Convention." This was too much for the Democratic nerves of the landlord : he speedily departed, and left his lodger to himself.

07

The next President.

T

HE NEXT PRESIDENT.

Senator Collins is a wag. Once, when Senator Erwin was doing the grand honors in the Senate Chamber, presenting the different Senators to Chauneey M. Depew, he espied Senator Collins intently reading "The Christian at Work." " Come here, Senator Collins," said Senator Erwin in a stage whisper, " and let me introduce you to the next President."

"The next what! " exclaimed Collins.

"The next President," answered Erwin.

"The next President — of the New York Central, you mean," bluntly spoke up the Democratic Senator from Troy.

Chauneey smiled, Collins smiled, and both shook hands warmly. After that Erwin was particular to add "of the United States."

TT^EBSTERIANA.

The following characteristic and amusing anecdotes of Daniel Webster are undeniably authentic : —

Some years ago Mr. Webster paid a professional visit to North- ampton, Mass., one of the pleasantest inland towns in the State. His presence there was expected ; and, being the political idol of a large portion of the community, preparations had been made to give him a cordial reception by eminent private citizens. The landlord, too, of the principal inn had prepared a very handsome suite of apartments for his express accommodation, and had made arrangements to have the great man occupy them.

At length Mr. Webster arrived, and stopped at the hotel in question. He was shown to his quarters, with which he expressed himself well pleased, until it was incidentally remarked, by some friend present, that " Northampton was a temperance town, and that that was a temperance house."

" Won't you ring the bell for the landlord?" asked Mr. Webster of a gentleman who stood near the bell-pull.

He rang the bell, and the landlord soon came up.

" Mr. Brewster," said Mr. Webster, " can you direct me to General L 's house? I think I will take up my quarters with him."

The landlord, with great disappointment expressed in his face and manner, said, —

"Why, Mr. Webster! I was in hopes my rooms would meet your entire approbation. We have taken great pains to have their arrange- ments such as should please you."

"Your rooms, Mr. Brewster, are excellent every way, — nothing need be more so, — and I understand your table is abundantly sup- plied with well -cooked viands. But, Mr. Brewster, I understand that jour house is conducted upon rigid temperance principles. Now, sir, I am an old man : my blood is thin, and now and then I require a little stimulus. Have you any pure old brandy, Mr. Brewster? "

(J8

•• I have some of the oldest and purest in Massachusetts, I think," answered the landlord.

" Well, Mr. Brewster, have the kindness to bring me up a bottle, and place it on the little stand behind that door. ' '

Mr. Brewster departed, and soon came back with the desiderated fluid, which he deposited as directed.

"Mr. Brewster," continued Mr. Webster, "have you any fine old Madeira? "

" Yes, Mr. Webster, of the oldest and best vintage."

"Do you know how to ice it properly, so that it shall be only just gratefully cool?"

The landlord answered in the affirmative, and went down to the cellar for the bottle. When he came back, he placed it beside the other bottle in a graduated cooler, and was about to retire when Mr. Webster said, —

"You need be under no apprehension, Mr. Brewster, that this infraction of the temperance law of your town will be discovered. I must needs honor law, being one of its humble ministers, and would not exhibit even a justifiable evasion of its commands. No, Mr. Brewster, you leave those bottles there, where they will be unobserved, and in a short time I will put them where no human eye can see them."

The second anecdote to which we have alluded is vouched for by a correspondent of "The Boston Daily Transcript."

In the summer of 1823 I was at Swift's in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and he told this story : —

John Trout was the well-known sobriquet of the fisherman who attended the amateur anglers on their excursions. John was not remarkable for his veracity ; quite otherwise when the success of his hook and line was the subject of his story.

One day he was "out" with Mr. Webster. Both were standing in the brook waiting patiently for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John in what manner he had caught a very large trout on a former occasion.

" Your Honor," said John, " that was very well for a gentleman ;

but once, when I was standing by that bush yonder, I took a fish that weighed ' ' —

(I forget how much, but of course many ounces larger than the great statesman's big fish.)

"Ah, John, John!" interrupted Mr. Webster, "you are an am- p/ii6-ious animal : you lie in the water, and you lie out of it."

Juun! you ake an Aii-phib.ious Anibial:

and you lie out of it."

YOU LIE IN TUE WATER.

AY

"EBSTER'S COURT SUIT.

The amusing controversy and correspondence growing out of Secretary Marcy's court-dress circular when James Buchanan was Minister to the court of St. James, described in an article on Buchanan

Webster's Court Suit

in a well-known magazine, reminds a correspondent of an occurrence that took place at Marshfield in Mr. Webster's time : —

Mr. Webster and Judge Duane Doty, then of Green Bay, Wis., were warm friends, and the Judge at one time was a visitor at Marshfield. Mr. Webster was very fond of fishing, the only outdoor sport in which

he indulged. While the Judge was his guest, it chanced that a fine day for this sport presented itself, of which Mr. W. was anxious to avail himself. He accordingly invited the Judge to accompany him in this piscatory sport. The Judge didn't want to go, and tried his best to get off ; saying he would much prefer, with his consent, to pass that rainy day in Mr. W.'s library among his books and papers. Mr. W. wouldn't listen to him ; said he could pass any and as many days in the library as he chose, but such a day as that for fishing might not occur again while they were at Marshfield. The Judge, as a last resort, said that he really could not go, as it would spoil his clothes ; that the handsome black suit he had on was his best, and all he had, and that to go fishing in it would spoil it. To meet this objection, Mr. W. directed his servant George to go up-stairs, and bring down the dress in which he was presented at court in England, which George did. As soon as he appeared with it. Mr. W. said, " There, Dot}', is a dress for you : put it on, and come as soon as you can, for we are losing valuable time."

The Judge replied, ''Surely, Mr. Webster, you are not in earnest in what you say, — that you want me to go fishing in that elegant suit, and spoil it? "

" Yes, I am," he replied ; " that is what it has been brought down for."

The Judge still lingered, when Mr. W., to settle the matter, said to him, " Have no anxiety about injuring the dress, for to fish or hunt in it is the only way it can now be made useful. Could I wear it in Washington, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, or even here? If I did. wouldn't everybody laugh at me? "

The Judge was compelled to answer affirmatively to the question.

" Well, then," he said, " pray wiiat is it good for but to go fishing in?"

This settled the matter. The Judge put on the dress, and went fishing in Mr. W.'s court suit, and saved his own. Thus, you see, Mr. Webster, with his well-known willingness to oblige, had no objection to appear before England's queen in the dress prescribed : and what a good use he made of it after his return home !

70

TN STRICT CONFIDENCE.

In the spring of 1827 a large party was dining one day at the Hermitage, when Gen. Jackson used language witli regard to Mr. Clay similar to that which he employed on his way home from Washington in 1825. Among the company present were several gentlemen from Vir- ginia, one of whom was the afterward famous Carter Beverly, a mem- ber of one of the "first families." Another gentleman present on the occasion was a young New-Yorker, Silas M. Stilwell, afterward a lead- ing New York politician. Mr. Stilwell was so alarmed at the General's '• imprudence," that he ventured, after dinner, to remonstrate with him, saying that among so large a company there was sure to be some one who would imprudently repeat what had been so imprudently uttered.

"O 3Tou Yankees!" exclaimed the General, laughing, "how suspicious you all are ! Why, these are Virginia gentlemen. Not one of them would repeat any thing he has heard at my table."

Mr. Stilwell was right, however, as the sequel proved. — Partem.

M

cCONNELL AND THE BIBLE.

The short career of Felix Grundy McConnell of Alabama, who died by his own hand in Washington, D.C., in September, 184G, in his thirty-seventh year, was in some respects a memorable one. He was a singularly handsome man, and possessed abundant animal "spirits, and a native wit that made him popular with all parties. His speeches were not numerous, but were original and forcible. He was elected to two Congresses, but had not served out his full term when he died. When James K. Polk was inaugurated President, on the 4th of March, 1845, one of his first visitors was McConnell, and I shall never forget the way

he introduced himself: "I have called to pay you my respects, Mr. President, and to say, that, if you believe in the Virginia and Kentucky Resolutions, love the Union, and follow in the footsteps of Capt. Andrew Jackson of Tennessee, now at the Hermitage preparing to go to heaven, then, sir, I hang my hammer on your anvil." Though too careless of himself, he had many sterling traits. Once, in a bar-room of the

McConnell and the Bible.

National Hotel, he heard an infidel blaspheming the Bible. " Stop, sir ! " said the angry Felix, " stop ! I am not a good man, but my mother used to read the Bible to me, and prayed that I might always believe in it; and d — n me if I will ever allow anybody to attack it in my

presence ! It must be

all right, for it was her guide and comfort."

J. W. Forney.

71

Alive and Kicking.

A™

E AND KICKING.

AA hex Gen. Charles Haight was running for Congress some years ago. his opponent was Gov. William A. Newell. Among other counties in the district at that time was the large but sparsely settled county of Ocean. It was the custom of the ex-Governor in his campaigning tours to see, as nearly as he could, every voter of prominence in the district, and he worked day and night like a beaver. Gen. Ilaight, naturally averse to personal solicitation, preferred to see a few people at a given point in each county, and have them do the rest of the seeing. One day the General dropped into the tavern at Forked River. He found an unusually large number of voters for so small a town awaiting him.

In accordance with the prevailing custom, he approached the bar, and invited everybody in the room to join him in an apple toddy. Straight drinks were, however, the rule of the settlement, and the General at once resolved to forego the apple sour, which was his favorite tipple. As the voter next to him poured out a generous portion of uncle Jo Parker's best, the General set his glass upon the bar, and at once commanded the attention of the house by saying, " Was Gov. Newell here yesterday?" Receiving an affirmative response, he continued, " Did he drink any of this apple whiskey?" Another affirmative reply followed ; and the General, taking up his glass, observed, as he continued to elevate it, while all present followed suit, —

"Well, he was alive this morning forty miles from here, and I think we may venture to drink." They condensed the beverage, and the General was subsequently elected.

o

PEN TO CONVICTION.

The Democracy had a clear working majority in , 111., for

a number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect, it enfranchised so many of our " cullud bredren " as to make it apparent to the party leaders, that, unless a good many black votes could be bought up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accord- ingly advances were made to the Rev. Brother , whose influence it

was thought desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire church.

He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to secure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity Brother replied, — •

"Now, geminen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church, dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will Mow : but. geminen, mil son will call round to see you in de moruiu'."

Too many Hogs aud too little Foodeu.

T

00 MANY HOGS.

There used to be .a clerk in the Register's Office in Washington who belonged to one of those Washington families which, ever since the foundation of the government, have considered themselves, by prescriptive right, entitled to be provided for by it. At the same time, his father was chief of one of the bureaus in the War Department, and he had a brother who was employed in the Interior Department. He had also another brother who had been in the army, but, becoming disabled by illness, had been honorably discharged. For this brother, too, he was determined to secure a place in the civil service. With this object lie went from department to department, but always without success. Finally lie determined to go directly to the President himself, to appeal to him to intervene in behalf of the discharged soldier.

Mr. Lincoln, it would seem, had heard of the case before the Treasury clerk secured the audience with him which he sought. When the interview had terminated, the disappointed clerk commenced, in the most indiscreet and intemperate manner, to express his disgust with the President. ''It is a disgrace to the country," he said, " that such a boor should be President of the United States ! " The story of what had occurred between the President and himself was something like this : Mr. Lincoln received him kindly, and listened to his request. " Why don't you go directly to the Secretaries?" he asked. "I have been to them all, and failed with all," was the answer. "Hasn't your brother sufficiently recovered his health to enable him to return to the army?" inquired the President. "No, sir, lie has not," was the reply. "Let me see," continued Mr. Lincoln, "I believe that you yourself are a clerk in one of the departments, — which one is it?" — " The Treasury Department, sir." — "I thought so. Has your brother as good clerical capacity as you possess?" — "Yes, sir." — "I think that I have somewhere met your father. Doesn't he hold an office in

Washington ? " — " Y'es, sir ; he is chief of the bureau in the War

Department." — " Oh, yes ! I now recollect him perfectly well. Has your brother good references as to character?" — "Yes, sir; the very best." — "Is there any other of your family holding office under the government?" — " Y'es, sir; I have a younger brother in the Interior

Department." — " Well, then, all I have to say to you, Mr. , is that

there are too many hogs and too little fodder ! "

piHOATF/S WIT.

There are so many traditions of Choate's wit and humor, that the task of selection is difficult. Thus, on his first election to the national House of Representatives, he was once asked by a lady why Mrs. Choate did not accompany him to Washington. "I assure you. madam," lie replied, " that I have spared no pains to induce her to come. I have even offered to pay half her expenses."

73

From Little IIhudy.

w

ROM LITTLE RIIODY.

Here is a capital thing that was said by Tristam Burgess of Rhode Island in Congress : — ■

During the debate on the tariff in 1828, an amendment was offered to increase the duty on molasses ten cents per gallon, being an increase of a hundred per cent ad valorem. Its object was to choke off the Northern members, and indirectly to kill the bill. The moment the amendment was announced by the chairman, in committee of the whole, Mr. Burgess of Rhode Island arose, and implored the mover to

withdraw it. He showed its effects upon the trade between the Eastern States and the adjacent islands in timber, and the return cargoes of molasses, which was the daily food of the poor. His speech was short and to the point. As he took his seat, Henry Daniel of Kentucky sprang to his feet, and roared out at the top of his voice, " Mr. Speaker, let the constituents of the gentleman from Rhode Island sop their bread only on one side in molasses, and they will pay the same duties they do now." Mr. Bartlett of New Hampshire here remarked, " Now look out for Tristam ; Harry will catch it." Mr. Burgess arose with fire beaming from his countenance, and addressed the Chair. " The relief proposed by the gentleman from Kentucky is but adding insult to injury. Does not that gentleman know that established habit becomes second nature, and that all laws are cruel and oppressive that strike at the innocent habits of the people? To illustrate : What would the gentleman think of me if I should offer an amendment that neither himself nor his constituents shall hereafter have more than a pint of wbiskej' for break- fast, instead of a quart? Does he not know that the disposition of all animals partakes, in a greater or less degree, of the food on which they are fed ? The horse is noble, kind, and grateful : he is fed on grain and grass. The bear (looking at Daniel, who was a heavy, short man, dressed in a blue coat with a velvet collar) will eat hog and raw hominy. You may domesticate him, dress- him in a blue coat with a velvet collar, and learn him to stand erect, and to imitate the human voice, as some showmen have done ; but examine him closely, sir (looking at Daniel some seconds), you will discover he is the bear still. The gentleman told us, in a speech some days ago, that his district produced large numbers of jackasses, hogs, and mules. No stronger proof of the truth of his statements can be given than a look at its Representative. I ask the gentleman to keep this extra duty off molasses, and commence its use among his constituents, and as feeble as our hold upon life is, Mr. Chairman, a man may yet, before we die, be permitted to go to his grave with two eyes in his head in the gentleman's district." Daniel wilted under the sarcasm, and few members afterward felt disposed to arouse the eminent son of lihode Island.

7+

TTE TOOK IT NEXT TIME.

In 1840, when he was thirty-three years of age, a delegation of his fellow-townsmen waited on Charles Francis Adams, and tendered him a nomination to the State Legislature. His courteous but direct and unequivocal reply was, —

'•I thank you, gentlemen, but I cannot consent to be a candidate for any office."

"You can be elected without trouble," urged the members of the delegation.

" But still I cannot consent," replied Mr. Adams.

"Your services are needed in the Legislature," again urged the committeemen.

•'You can find men much more competent to fill the place," was the reply. And the delegation retired in despair.

When the ex-President heard of what his son had done, he was very much annoyed, and assuring his wife, as he had often done before, that Charles was cut out for a hermit, and if left to himself would spend his life in a wilderness, went to see him.

'•I hear you have refused a nomination for the Legislature," he said, at once making known the busiuess.upon which he had come.

"Yes," replied his son, who attached no importance to the matter.

" I am very, very sorry that you have done so," continued his father.

" Why, sir? " asked the young man.

" Because the Legislature is the stepping-stone to political prefer- ment ; because it is your duty as an American citizen always to serve your State or country when called upon to do so."

" Oh, well, if you regard the matter in that light," replied Mr. Adams in his own cool, quiet way, and just a little amused at the earnestness of his father, " I will promise to consent the next time I am asked."

"You may not be asked again," rejoined his father. But he was mistaken. The next year Mr. Adams was again invited to be a candi- date for the Legislature, accepted the nomination, and was elected.

Howard Carroll.

Excused fur All Day.

W

XCUSED EOR ALL DAY.

The Hon. Tim Campbell of Boston is a shrewd Yankee-Irishman, and the recent deadlock in the House did not worry him at all. A gentleman met him on the street one Saturday afternoon.

" Hello ! " he said. " Why ain't you up at the House? "

" I don't have to," was the reply.

" Well, you had better, or you will be arrested and carried up."

" Not much, I won't. I was excused last Wednesday for the day; and, as it is still Wednesday in the House, I am perfectly safe. See? "

75

-\TTAXTKP — A NEW MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

The feelings of the members of the Wyoming Legislature have been racked by the woman-suffrage question. Not long since, the governor's veto of the suffrage repeal was before the council. We are indebted to "The Laramie Sentinel" for an abridged report of the debate, in which Mr. Nuckolls, the leader of the Democracy, took occasion to remark. —

•• I think women were made to obey men. They generally promise to obey, at any rate ; and I think you had better either abolish this Female .Suffrage Act, or get up'a new marriage ceremony to fit it."

This infamous proposition was combated by a narrow-gauge member from the •• outsquirts " of the Territory, who said, —

•■The Governor hadn't got no right to veto this bill. He hasn't got no right to veto this bill nor nothin' that we pass unless it is some- thin' witch after it has passed it shall appear that is wrong or that there is somethin' wrong by witch reason it had ought to not become a law, accordin' to my reasonin'. 1 am willin' every old woman shall hev a guardeen if she wants one and kin git it.

•• It ain't no party question, this bill ain't. I wouldn't let it come up in that shape, /would know better than that. This woman-suffrage business will sap the foundation of society. Woman can't engage in politics without losin' her virtue. It won't do her no good anyhow. She can't earn a dollar no easier than half a dollar if she does vote.

" No woman ain't got no right to set on a jury unless she is a man, and every lawyer knows it ; and I don't bleeve it anyhow. I don't think women juries has been a success here in Wyomin'. They watch the face of the judge too much when the lawyer is addressin' 'em. That shows they ain't fit for juries in my way of thinkin'. I don't bleeve she's fit for't nohow. Wot right has she got on a jury anyhow?

'; We here in this Territory ain't got no rights nohow. Magna Charta don't b'long to us, because we can't 'lect our Governor. I don't think this is right, and the men of* the West don't bleeve in it. We

76

can't do nothin' only 'lect our county officers. This is the effeek of the veto power.

' ' There was a Russian here the other day, and he said he did not bleeve in women's votin', and I don't bleeve in it neither, and I don't bleeve half the men do neither."

Wanted— A New Marriage Ceremony.

P

AT'S PRESCRIPTION.

I remember one little incident which I will relate as an anecdote characteristic of Mr. Lincoln. It occurred a day after I reached Wash- ington, and about the time Gen. Meade reached liurkesville with the

army. Gov. Smith of Virginia had loft Richmond with the Confederate States Government, and had gone to Danville. Supposing I was neces- sarily with the army at Burkesville, he addressed a letter to me there, informing me that, as governor of the Commonwealth of the State of Virginia,0he had temporarily removed the State capital from Richmond

Springfield, who was very popular with the people, — a man of consider- able promise, and very much liked. Unfortunately he had acquired the habit of drinking, and his friends could see that the habit was growing on him. These friends determined to make an effort to save him. and to do this they drew up a pledge to abstain from all alcoholic drinks. They asked Pat to join them in signing the pledge, and he consented. He had been so long out of the habit of using plain water as a beverage, that he resorted to soda-water as a substitute. After a few days this began to grow distasteful to him. So, holding the glass behind him, he said, " Doctor, couldn't you drop a bit of brandy in that unbeknownst to myself?" — U. S. Grunt.

"Doctor, couldn't you drop a bit or Bkanuy in that unbeknownst to Mtself?"

to Danville, and asking if he would be permitted to perform the func- tions of his office there without molestation by the Federal authorities. Meeting Mr. Lincoln shortly after receiving this despatch, I repeated its contents to him. Mr. Lincoln, supposing I was asking for instructions, said, in reply to that part of Gov. Smith's letter which inquired whether he with a few friends would be permitted the leave the country unmo- lested, that his position was like that of a certain Irishman he knew in

JANE.

TpLIZA

It may be some consolation to the women who do not get elected to know how near one woman came to getting a bona fide nomination

for mayor in the little town of B , in California. The place had

been enjoying a "boom," and most of the people were new-comers when they met in the town-hall to nominate city officers. Among the favorites for mayor was a gentleman who, having failed in the East, was doing business there in his wife's name ; and over his store was a large sign bearing the legend, " E. J. Blank." As few people in towu knew the conditions under which the candidate was doing business, it caused no surprise when the name of E. J. Blank was proposed among others, and the committee retired to consider. No sooner had they left the room than some one who knew the facts called for '-three cheers for Eliza Jane Blank, our candidate for mayor." A messenger was at once sent to the committee with the real initials of Mr. Blank ; but in the amusement created, neither Mr. Blank nor Eliza Jane got the nomination.

77

(Pit

A Modest IIoosier.

A-

MODEST IIOOSIER.

Senator Turpie of Indiana is the most modest man in the Senate. lie is singularly quiet in manner, and, unlike some new Senators, does not attempt to push himself forward. An incident that occurred a day or two ago goes to show how very unassuming Mr. Turpie is. He went over to the House of Representatives with a constituent to see Judge Hoi man on a matter of business. The two men struggled through the crowd in the corridor, and sent their cards in from the lobby door adjoining the elevator. It was several minutes before the doorkeeper could go in on the floor, and in the mean time the Senator and his friend were jostled about by the crowd going up and down in the elevator and

the stairway near it. Finally the Senator's friend asked him if he was not entitled to the privileges of the floor. Mr. Turpie said he did not know whether he was or not. The doorkeeper was appealed to, and he was just apologizing, and saying, ''Certainly, the Senator can go in," when Judge Holman appeared. He expressed great surprise to find a Senator awaiting his pleasure, and said, —

" Why, Senator ! why didn't you come in? "

"Oh, it made no difference," said the modest Hoosier Senator. " I was in no hurry."

The doorkeepers and several spectators were greatly amused by the unusual incident.

L

INCOLN AND STANTON.

Mr. Lincoln loved Edwin M. Stanton, and believed in him from first to last. When inquired of concerning the reasons for his appoint- ment, Mr. Lincoln said he rather wished at first to appoint a man from one of the border States, but he knew the New-England people would object ; and then, again, it would have given him great satisfaction to appoint a man from New England, but that would displease the border States. On the whole, he thought he had better take a man from some intervening territory: "And, to tell you the truth, gentlemen."' said he, " I don't believe Stanton knows where he belongs himself." The gentlemen proceeding to discuss Mr. Stanton's impulsiveness, Mr. Lincoln said, " Well, we may have to treat him as they are sometimes obliged to treat a Methodist minister I know of out West. He gets wrought up to so high a pitch of excitement in his prayers and ex- hortations, that they are obliged to put bricks into his pockets to keep him down. We may be obliged to serve Stanton the same way. but 1 guess we'll let him jump a while first."

The country sometimes thought the time for bricks had come: but, on the whole, the leaders of the Rebellion had greatest cause of complaint. Mr. Stanton's place in history will he a proud one.

78

Malecontents, who felt that every thing went wrong because there was something wrong in the Cabinet, were much encouraged by the change that had been made, and personally and by letter urged Mr. Lincoln to make further changes. A number of them called upon him to insist on changes that they considered absolutely necessary. Mr. Lincoln heard them through, and then, with his peculiar smile, said, •' Gentlemen, the case reminds me of a story of an old friend of mine out in Illinois. His homestead was very much infested with those little black-and-white animals that we needn't call by name ; and, after losing his patience with them, he determined to sally out aud inflict upon them a general slaughter. He took gun, clubs, and dogs, and at it he went, but stopped after killing one, and returned home. When his neighbors asked him why he had not fulfilled his threat of killing all there were on his- place, he replied that his experience with the one he had killed was such that he thought he had better stop where he was."

This story was told with no disrespect to Mr. Cameron nor to the other members of his Cabinet, for he honored them all ; but it was told to get rid of his troublesome advisers. The_y went awa}- forgetting that the}7 had failed to make any impression on the President, — forgetting that they had failed in their errand utterly, — and laughing over the story by which the President had dismissed them. — J. G. Holland.

rpHEY BOTH LAUGHED.

Mr. Dawson of Baltimore expended a very large amount of money in building the navy of the republic of Texas ; and after the passage of the compromise measures of 1850, giving to Texas ten millions of dollars, he was a regular attendant at the sessions of the Legislature, endeavoring to get his claim allowed. He was a most genial gentleman, and laughed louder and longer at his own or anybody's else jokes than any other man in Austin. There was then living near there an old

land locator and surveyor named Bart (Sims, whose loud and hearty- laugh was a byword. Some wags on one occasion got the two together, and made bets on the result of their laughing powers, all of which was kept secret from the parties. Of course there was plenty of wine (or something stronger) and good stories, and Dawson and old Bart roared. Finally, when the nightcap was drunk, the two were

They Butu laughed.

informed of the bet, and the crowd decided that Dawson had won, as he had laughed the loudest, the longest, and the heartiest. Old Bart was at first a little crestfallen, but recovered his good humor by remarking. "It is all right, gentlemen; but there is this difference between us: Dawson is laughing for a million, and I am only laughing for fun." That brought down the house.

7!)

"PECEPTION GREETINGS.

The range of conversation between the President and those who shake hands with him at crowded receptions is limited. The narrator stood near the other day. and listened, as they shook hands, and slid on.

First Caller (looking up). How do you do, sir?

President (cordially) . How do you do, sir?

Second Caller (looking down). Good-morning, sir.

President (smiling). Good-morning.

And so on to the

Fifth Caller (shaking hands and laughing) . Helped to elect you, and going to do it again.

President. Thank you.

Sixth Caller (looking straight out the door). Glad to see you, sir.

President. How do you do ?

And so on to the

Fifteenth caller (a little boy in frock, waddling on, seeing only the Chief Executive feet, and not noticing whose they are).

President (reaching for him). Here, you little fellow. Here: this way. Give ns a shake.

Little fellow is shaken, and waddles on solemnly, wondering what it is all about.

Sixteenth Cali.kr (whispers in Executive ear).

President (with surprised and congratulatory look). Ah, indeed! Hope they are all well. Response smothered by Seventeenth Caller. How do you do, sir? President. How d'ye do, sir? Tide sweeps on till it reaches

Twenty-Seventh Caller (in loud voice). Mr. President, I was

born within two miles of your birthplace, and -only three years later, upon Caldwell Hill. (Subdued giggle of crowd.)

President. Ah, indeed ! I'd like first-rate to go up there for a day or two this summer.

Twenty-Seventh Call- er (resumes). Come on: fishing —

He is ingulfed in the tide, and the sentence dies unfinished ; while the Presi- dent cordially shakes hands with a party of three with umbrellas, evidently from the rural districts.

Thirty-Sixth Caller

(lady shakes hands blithely).

Gin her my love.

Reception Greetings.

That shake is for Mrs, Cleveland.

President. Thank you.

Thirty-Seventh Caller. Good-evening, sir.

President (automatically) . Good-morning.

About one in a thousand is known to the President ; but, on the whole, it is a dreary ceremony to him, and entered into with a real sensible earnestness and a sort of contagious geniality.

SO

"A

CHARGE TO KEEP I HAVE."

A few years ago, in a little town in Illinois, a baud of hopeful politicians secured a brass cannon with which to celebrate the election of Hancock, and. dragging it out to a spot in front of the village tavern,

"A Charge to keep I have."

loaded it clear to the muzzle with a heavy charge of powder, rammed down with old rags, leaves, and sod. They counted on firing it but once, but proposed that the town should know when it went off. The hour fixed for action was eight o'clock: but at eight o'clock the news was unpleasantly suggestive of Garfield, and they postponed firing till

nine. At nine things looked still more dubious. They waited till ten, and then they drew the cannon back under the shed till the morning's sure tidings should give opportunity to proclaim the Democratic victory. The morning decided Garfield's election ; and sadly they sought the o-un, to unload it. The shed door opening revealed the defiant muzzle bearing this placard : " A charge to keep I have."

"QIIE'S HOLLOW!"

Mr. Meredith, Secretary of the Treasury, was an able lawyer, a gentleman of varied accomplishments, great decision of character, and of perfect integrity ; but he lacked flexibility, and did not readily adapt himself to the situation. Mr. Preston of Western Virginia was made Secretary of the Navy. He was a fluent debater, a lawyer of fair capacity, and an upright, honorable gentleman ; but he had no aptitude for the duties of his office. Ludicrous stories were rife in Washington, illustrating his dense ignorance of nautical affairs. One of them was to this effect : His first official visit was made to the Gosport Navy Yard, Norfolk. Commodore Skinner was in commaud. He was a diminutive, insignificant-looking man, who had no great regard for forms or etiquette, and was never particular about his dress, even on the most important occasions. He received the Secretary on board the "Pennsylvania," the largest ship in the service. The boatswain of the " Pennsylvania " was a large, fine-looking man, handsomely dressed in the uniform of his grade ; and Mr. Preston, supposing him to be the officer in command, rushed up to him, and embraced him with great effusion. This blunder produced much merriment ; and when the Secretary, looking down the main hatch, and seeing the peculiarity of

the ship's construction, exclaimed, "My ! she's hollow!" there

was an explosion of laughter from the forecastle to the quarter-deck. — Recollections of an Old Stayer.

81

E

LEVATED.

When Beriah Magoffin was governor of Kentucky, J. II. Johnson was editing "The Frankfort Commonwealth." Although violently opposed

in polities, the Governor was personally a great favorite with the editor, and vice versa. While the Legislature was in session, a New York man stopped at the Capitol Hotel, and iu due time became intoxicated. He was anxious to become acquainted with the Governor. The Governor happened to be in No. 20 with various Senators and Representatives, and New York, finding it out, besought divers persons to introduce him ; but, seeing his condition, all declined. He finally asked Mr. Johnson to do him that favor. " Certainly. Come with me. — Governor, allow," etc.,

" Mr. , who will represent the State of New York iu the coining

tobacco fair." The usual civilities having been passed, New York,

steadying himself upon his heels, took a long inebriated stare at the Governor, and abruptly waddled out of the room.

"Jake," said the Governor, turning to Johnson, " don't you think your friend was a leetle too tipsy to be introduced to me to-night? "

"Not at all, Governor. If he hadn't been so tipsy, he never would have sought an introduction."

H

OW THE HON. THOMAS P. OCHILTREE MANAGED TO CAERY HIS DISTRICT.

Col. Thomas Porterhouse Ochiltree had a political canvass in Texas once. The fight was warm, and the amazing ubiquity of Mr. Ochiltree gave to the campaign a flavor which otherwise would have been losfiu the long-haired steer-stickers of the South-west. Col. Ochiltree's political arguments are still looked upon in that section of the country as marvels of imaginative deductions. Capt. O. B. Davis of the revenue cutter "Grant" was, at the time referred to, on duty at Galveston, and tells the following story on Tom : —

"There was a section of Texas," said Capt. Davis, " which was populated almost entirely by sheep-raisers : consequently wool aud the tariff thereon was of much importance to them, aud always entered into political arguments. Now, Ochiltree knew as much about wool and the tariff as he does now about the inside of Trinity Church ; but he had to make a speech, for all that. After talking for some time without saying any thing that seemed to have the slightest effect upon the sheep men. Ochiltree was suddenly inspired. His eye beamed ; his smile died away, leaving an expression of extreme horror and tearfulness ; and his right hand was raised warningly. ' I'll tell you something, gentlemen, that I had hoped to be able to spare you,' said Ochiltree in impressive tones. 'You are not yet aware that the opposing party is about to visit upon your devoted heads a most terrible infliction. '

" Here the crowd showed signs of awakening, and betrayed some interest.

" ' Yes,' continued the orator, 'the}' have invented, and are about to import into this fair State, a most horrible thing, — a polariscope they call it, — and to such intelligent men that is enough to say. Yes, gentlemen, a polariscope. Think, then, of your misery and woe, should these robbers get into power. It is against such men that I ask you to elect me.'

"A deep silence followed for a moment. The crowd grew fearful. AVhat danger threatened them they did not know, and the awful uncer- tainty increased their terror. Finally the suspense was too great, and a dozen rose to their feet at once, and asked, ' What is a polariscope? '

"Ochiltree paused, and viewed the crowd with pitying glances, as though sincerely regretting their illiteracy. The question was repeated louder and stronger than before. Ochiltree shifted uneasily from one foot to another, took a glass of water, coughed, and then looked at the crowd, now clamoring wildly for knowledge of the terrible danger.

" Ochiltree was cornered. The cries grew louder. The speaker waved his hand, and there was silence. Then the candidate leaned over his deal-table and said, confidentially and quietly, ' Boys, I'm blest if I know what it is ; but it'll kill all your sheep, sure as thunder ! '

" That was enough, and they voted for him."

A

N EMBARGO ON FREE THOUGHT.

Garrett Davis of Kentucky was one of the most pronounced Whig members of Congress, and, being a hot-headed, impulsive man, had frequent discussions with Hannibal Hamlin of Maine. These debates resulted in a dislike for the member from Maine on the part of the Kentuckian which he never attempted to conceal. Indeed, in conversations about him, Davis always referred contemptuously to Hamlin as "that black Penobscot Indian;" an allusion, of course, to Mr. Hamlin's extreme swarthiness of complexion. One day, in the

committee-room, Davis, being more than usually excited, was engaged in a particularly heated controversy with Hamlin, and Anally said to him, —

"You must not talk in that way, sir; you must not talk in that

replied Hamlin, " I will at

way.

"Well, no matter how I may talk," least think as I please."

"No, sir! no, sir! if }'ou

entirely beside himself. " I'll be

please ! You have no right to think at all, sir ! "

The ludicrousness of the scene can be better imagined than described. Even those who were engaged iu it suddenly saw how ridiculous it was, and its finale was a hearty laugh all around. — Howard Carroll.

will!" blurted out Davis, - if you will thiuk as you

An Embargo on Freb Tuouqut.

LAST WORD.

"PALMERSTOX'S

Lord Palmerston once made use of some very effective pauses which he could not have prepared beforehand, and these are well worth quoting. While electioneering at Taunton, he was greatly troubled by a butcher who wanted him to support a certain Radical policy. At the end of one of his lordship's speeches, the butcher called out, '-Lord Palmerston, will you give me a plain answer to a plain question?" After a slight pause, Lord Palmerston replied, "I will." The butcher then asked, " Will you, or will you not, support this measure? " — a Radical bill. Lord Palmerston hesitated, and then, with a twinkle in his eye, replied. " I will " — then he stopped. Immediately the Radicals cheered tremendously — "not," continued his lordship. Loud Conservative cheers. When these ceased, Lord Palmerston finished his sentence, " tell you." He then immediately retired.

s

EXATORIAL DIGNITY.

The dignity of the Senate was rudely shaken one day during the session of the Fiftieth Congress, and the gentlemen who committed the breach of decorum were citizens of the State of New York. One was a Senator of the United States, the other a Representative. It was about two o'clock, and the Senate was engaged in the discussion of the Direct Tax Bill, when Mr. James J. Belden of Syracuse walked into the Senate Chamber. As he came over from the House he bought an apple, and when he entered the Senate Chamber he was eating it. lie continued eating as he walked around the Republican side of the Chamber, and sat in a chair beside his handsome predecessor in the House, Senator Frank Hiscock. Then from his coat-tail pocket Mr. Belden produced

another apple, and gave it to Mr. Iliscock, who began to dispose of it with the energy of a starving man. The two statesmen put their heads together, and engaged in an animated and confidential conversation. They kept on eating the apples ; and as they sat bobbing their heads, and working their jaws, the Senators and the gallery visitors laughed at the

Senatorial Diqnitt.

queer spectacle they made. The performance was entirely in violation of the well-known etiquette and dignity of the Senate, and the oldest member of the body remembers but one previous occasion when sena- torial propriety received such a shock. This was the day when Senator Lapham, forgetting himself and his surroundings, loudly whistled for a page.

HI

w

HAT THE TELEPHONE SAID.

An incident of the Grand Army Department camp-fire in Portland, in 1885, illustrates the fondness of the old soldiers for joking', and the equality between members that characterizes their annual gatherings.

"Hannibal, don't punt with tub Girls."

The venerable ex-Vice-President Hannibal Hamlin, as honored guest and most distinguished person present, was one of the speakers of the evening. His address was an easy, offhand talk, mainly upon the progress and great developments in science and the arts that char- acterize the present century. In the course of it, he said, speaking of the telephone, —

"And yet, perhaps more marvellous than all is that little instru- ment which puts us in communication with those we love a hundred miles away. My wife and your wives have tongues, as it were, a hundred miles long ; and if by that little thing of a telephone I were in communication with my good wife at the present moment, I should hear her saying, ' Hannibal, be careful and not catch cold.' '

An hour or so after this, when the memory of Mr. Hamlin's address had been partly obliterated by speakers who had followed him, Past Commander Sawyer rapped to order, and announced a telephone message from Bangor. All eyes turned in the direction of the venerable Bangor statesman, where he sat surrounded by a bevy of young ladies, who were importuning hiin for autographs. Mr. Sawyer, continuing, said, —

" Ladies and gentlemen, we have received a telephone message from Bangor. It says, ' Hannibal, don't flirt with the girls.' '

The applause that followed drowned reply.

WOULD BE THERE

At a caucus held in one of the lower wards of Troy, one John O'Brien was nominated for some minor position on the ward ticket to be voted for at the charter election. A gentlemau present asked another O'Brien who John O'Brien was : he had lived some time in the neighborhood, but could call no such name to mind.

" » He's me brother," said Pat. " He's not arrived in the country yit; but he tuk ship Winsday, an' '11 be here in time for 'laction."

At a similar meeting held in another ward, a " gintleman " arose and said, " Mr. Prisidint, I nominates Jerry Maloney for one o' thim."

" One of what? " asked the " Prisidint."

" One o' thim ye're makin'."

Jerry was 'lacted, and Johnny too. Such is the vivacity of the American character !

85

T

HE SMALL TAIL MOVEMENT."

A speechmaker iu the western part of the St; the memorable "Hard Cider and Log Cabin" campaign has given us the following anecdote. He was holding forth upon the merits of Gen. Harrison, and especially upon his courage, tact, and success as a military com- mander. While iu the midst of his discourse, a tall, gaunt man — who was probably a schoolmaster in those parts — arose from the crowd, and said, in a voice which penetrated the whole assem- My,—

"Mister! Mister! I want to ax you a question." To this the orator assented, and the man went on as fol- lows : —

"We are told, fellow- citizens, thatGineral Harrison is a mighty great gineral ; but I say he's one of the \f-ry meanest soil of ginerals. We are told here to-night that he defended Fort. .Meigs: but I tell you that on that occasion

Sin/iii. Tad Movement, and 1 challenge the or deny it! "

ate of Virginia dnrins

'Tnic Small Tail Movement

In

he

itoi

mself bravely at

was guilty of the

here present to

The speaker declared his utter ignorance of what the intruder meant by " Small Tail Movement."

" I'll tell you," said the man : " I've got it here iu black and white. Here is Grimshaw's ' History of the United States,' " — holding up the

book, — " and I'll read what it says : ' At this critical moment Gen. Harrison exe- cuted a novel movement ! ' Does the gentleman deny that?"

" No : go on." "Well, he executed a novel movement. Now, here's Johnson's ; Dictionary,' " — taking the book out of his pocket, and holding it up, — " and here it says : ' Novel. A small tale ! ' And this was the kind of movement Gineral Harrison was guilty of. Now, I'm no soger, and don't know much of inilen- taiy tictacks ; but this I do say : a man who, in the face of an enemy, is guilty of a Small Tail Movement is not fit to be President of the United States, and he sha'n't have my vote ! "

The relator of the anec- dote says that it was quite impossible for him to overcome the effect of this speech, and we are left to conclude that the vote of that vicinity was given to Van liuren.

N

O GOD IN ALBANY.

The anDual session of the Legislature at Albany takes to that city many gentlemen from New York, as well as from rural parts, whose only ambition is to do good to the State. It may therefore be deemed not inappropriate to the time and season to mention what was said of Albany by little

Tommy B , who, accompanied by his mother, went to

visit an uncle in Madison, a minister. At the minister's house twice a day all bowed in family devotion. Tommy liked this, and prayed as devoutly as the rest. One day his mother found him alone upon his knees. " Why, what are you doing, Tommy?" "O mamma! we must pray all we can in Madison, 'taus, you know, dere ain't no Daud [God] in Albany."

a strange and insane passion had taken possession of his wife. She was unalterably determined to be the wife of the postmaster at West Troy, even if, in order to do so, she were compelled to commit bigamy ! Under these circumstances, he appealed to his old commander to save him from

A

id) ■

TTEK STRANGE

DELUSION.

During his term as Secretary of State, William L. Marcy once received a letter which afforded him immense amusement, and which he showed to everybody whom he met. It was from a person in West Troy, N.Y., who begged to remind him that he had been a private in a company commanded by the Governor when he marched to the Canadian frontier in the year 1813. He supposed that he might have long since forgotten his very existence ; and he therefore took the liberty to inform him, that, after the war was ended, he had settled in West Troy as a mechanic of some sort, had married, and had reared a family of children. He had been reasonably prosperous all his life, and had until recently been in the enjoyment of uninterrupted domestic happiness. But since the election

No God in Albany.

a life of future wretchedness, and his wife from destruction, by getting him appointed to the office.

The Secretary enjoyed the joke so hugely, that, after some inquiries about his correspondent's fitness, he went to Postmaster-General Camp- bell, and had the commission made out for him. — Maunsett B. Field.

87

The Other Way.

rpHE OTHER WAY.

No man had greater faith in the progress and future of the American republic than Horatio Seymour. It is related of him, that some years since, while seated at a public dinner with Lord Houghton of England, that gentleman said to him, —

••Governor Seymour, are you not sometimes sorry that Mother England let your States escape from under her wing? "

"Well, no, my lord, not exactly," said the Governor, with a sly twinkle in his eye, "but I do sometimes think we should not have allowed you to leave us."

••What in the world do you mean?" asked his lordship, laughing good-lramoredly, but evidently a little astonished.

"Oh, simply that it would be rather pleasant to have you in the family of States," replied the Governor. "Having fifty millions of people on our side, of course we could do most of the governing. Still, for the sake of old relationship, I have no doubt we could have af- forded to allow you a few extra Congressmen, and a Senator or two." Lord Houghton caught the spirit of the joke, and seemed to enjoy it immensely. — Howard Carroll.

H

OW HE DID IT.

Although over sixty years of age, "Sunset" Cox is still nearly as jolly as he used to be. He has been a quarter of a century in the lower House of Congress, and in his time has been a little wild, and needed more fun and excitement than his own witticisms and the debates of the House afforded him. But he has changed his habits in this respect, and is taking much better care of his health than lie used to do. Cox married a comely woman with a handsome fortune, and never likes to do any thing to displease her. He has no children, and is wrapped up in those domestic relations which his wife alone affords him. But he used to want to have a good time, away from the restraining influences of domestic matters, about once a week.

" Cox used to get out of his house at night by a very novel and characteristic excuse," said one of his old chums one day. " When he intended to make a night of it, he would invariably go home at an early hour, dress himself in his slippers and smoking-coat, crawl well down into a comfortable chair, draw himself up in front of the grate, read to his wife, and congratulate himself, in audible tones, on his ability to get away from the cares of public life. He generally expressed himself as not feeling first-rate, and crawled into bed before eleven o'clock.

" About midnight, the crowd down at the club, who were to enjoy the society of the funny statesman, as per arrangement, would send a delegate to Cox's residence, lie would rap gently on the door, and the

statesman would complain bitterly at being disturbed, although lie had been resting with one eye open, and his mind bent on the good time in waiting. He generally felt too badly to go to the door, and Mrs. Cox would kindly consent to go herself.

" The delegate from the crowd always wore a very serious look, and spoke in a tone of great importance and apprehension. He would tell Mrs. Cox that there was a caucus on hand at which her husband was to preside. He always deprecated the fact that the business of the caucus could not proceed unless her husband was there, as no one could conduct the proceedings without the information he carried in his head.

" Cox would first hear this statement, and would groan like a boy who has gorged himself with June apples. When Mrs. Cox returned to the bed, and informed him of what was wanted, he appeared to lie in the greatest agony, and would threaten to resign his place in Congress if this thing kept up. Then he would go to the door with Mrs. Cox, and beg like a good fellow to be let off. But the messenger would be immovable, and would declare that his absence from the caucus would entail untold inconvenience. Then Cox would dress himself, and, in going out of the house, would express considerable discomfiture in suppressing his laughter over the accomplished manner in which the scheme was worked. When he returned to the house in time for breakfast next clay, his prolonged absence would always be on account of the lateness of the hour at which the caucus adjourned, and his dislike to awaken the good housewife."

w

ATEE.

The Texas Representative, Martin, known popularly as " the man who blew out the gas," made his maiden speech in the House one day early in 1888. Farmer Hatch of Missouri wanted to increase the number of the new batch of cattle reports ordered by the Senate. Col. Martin, who is one of the biggest ranchers in the Lone Star State, made

a break to help Hatch ; but he did not address the Chair at all. He simply stood up in his seat, leaned way over forward, and talked spas- modically for three min- utes. The House was in such a hubbub, that all that could be heard in the galleries was an occasional mention of cow. The great thing about the speech was Martin's ges- tures. He stuck his hand frantically forward into the air, with each finger clawing itself wide apart from the others, all in spite of the Speaker's gavel. When he sat down he got a round of cheers from his colleagues. He retired to the settees ex- hausted. His lassitude fled, however, when Sun- set Cox approached to congratulate him ; and the following conversation en- sued : —

"I say, Cox, your district is interested in stock, ain't it?" Water.

" Why, of course it is, Martin. We raise stock, we water stock, and we know all about salting stock."

"That's right. Then you are with us in wanting a lot of these cow-books printed."

89

~>RCnY IS DEAD."

C

A capital story is told in New York of a practical joke played bv one of the newly elected members of Congress from New York City. It seems that the proprietor of an establishment somewhere in the neighborhood of the City Hall had a pet crow, which, to the great grief of its owner, breathed its last one winter evening, of a chronic plethoric condition, induced by long surfeiting. Our new candi- date for legislative honors happened to be present at the decease, and, after condoling with the family in a tone of mock gravity, proposed that a coroner's inquest should be held over the corpse. This suggestion provoked a good deal of merriment, and resulted in the proposal of a bet by cur waggish M.C. that he would bring the coroner to the spot that very night, with twelve chosen men, to sit upon the departed bird. The bet was accepted, and off started the proposer in search of the required functionary. It was one of the bitterest nights of the winter. Both snow and sleet were driving furiously : the pavement was coated with ice, and the air was as raw as in Siberia. Nothing daunted by the nnpropitious weather, our friend, enveloped in his cloak, proceeded directly to the residence of the assistant coroner, somewhere not very far up town. This inferior officer he found at home, but the superior had already gone to his residence in the upper part of the city. " That is particularly unfortunate," remarked the wag: "his presence is im- mediately required